Henry W. FarkasApr 29, 1957 - Nov 23, 2016

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

About Henry_

Henry an his grandson Christopher

Born on April 29, 1957 Henry grew up in Levittown, PA. He lived life to the fullest as a proud Eagle Scout, Freemason, and an active member of several local organizations including Branford Folk Music Society, New Haven Country Dancers, and the New Haven Yacht Club. Henry was an avid ham radio enthusiast who was generous with his skills in times of need, including relaying messages in New York when the Twin Towers fell on 9/11.


His professional accomplishments were always a source of pride, including his current responsibilities as a Senior Unix Administrator at UnitedHealth Group. His past employers included AT&T, IBM, University of New Haven (where he also received his Bachelors degree), and New Haven Computer Company.


Through his last moments he enjoyed the loving company of his longtime partner Renate Dicks. He is survived by his daughter Jen Farkas and son Daniel Farkas, as well as his grandson Christopher Eldred.


Henry's Random Quotes_

There are quotes in the database. Click here for a random one.

NOTE: Below you will find a collection of quotes Henry kept. They are listed in chronological order.

Advice: Dance like nobody is watching. Love like you've never been hurt.

Whoop! I got in! 2,348,890 times was the charm!

I think one thing that should be distinguished here is that the media is always taking Trump literally. It never takes him seriously, but it always takes him literally. I think a lot of voters who vote for Trump take Trump seriously but not literally.

Please excuse me. I have to beat a Database Administrator with a studded stick, then boil him in a slowly warming 55 gallon drum of oil, pull him out and sandpaper him all over, then slowly burn him alive at the stake, dissolve his remains in acid, and store the ashes for burial during the next new moon. Please trust me on this: he deserves no less.

Jews are the most optimistic people on earth. They cut off an inch before they know how long it's going to be.

No man is above the law and no man is below it, nor do we ask any man's permission when we ask him to obey it.

In 1938, incoming freshmen at Princeton ranked Einstein as the second-greatest living person. First place went to Adolf Hitler.

It's dangerous to arrest people for conduct that doesn't jeopardize the health or well-being of other people.

I hit a deer once. With a van. Going 55 MPH. With the headlights on and the horn blaring. Woo, that's an elusive little creature!

The pig: the only animal to eat kale and turn it into bacon.

Not paying taxes when you can makes you a thief. You are stealing from all of us. You are stealing by using the state, local, or federal infrastructure for free--an infrastructure that is maintained with tax dollars. You are stealing if you hire employees educated in the US without contributing to that educational system. You are stealing by eating food that is safe to eat, drinking water that is safe to drink, and driving cars that are safe to drive without paying for the federal agencies that make this possible. You are stealing by using police and fire protection that are funded by tax dollars. We the taxpayers are subsidizing youand you are stealing from this country.

I know that there will be people who say, "There are lots of people who don't pay taxes." True. There are many poor people who struggle to merely survive and who don't earn enough to pay taxes. There are also many people who struggle to hide their assets so they won't have to pay taxes. If you're in the latter category you are nothing but a common thief.

We're not a burden on America or a stain on America or an object of shame and pity for America - We are America.

We show our sympathy with slavery by emancipating slaves where we cannot reach them and holding them in bondage where we can set them free.

You would love my incredibly sexy bass voice right now. I think you'd hear it as a rumble, a vibration, so low that dogs can't hear it. It's deep, rich, comforting, seductive, as if you're lying in bed and Paul Robeson is singing Old Man River in the apartment beneath you and your sheets suddenly seem too hot and your bed too small and you are restless but don't know why. You can't hear it, you can just feel it, resonating up from the deepest caverns of the earth, and you know how very rich and powerful the Earth is. This is a voice that could seduce a Greek statue, whether she still has ears or not. It is the voice of Thor, of Apollo, of a thousand old gods Resurrected and rolled into one. It's a voice that when men hear it their shoulders slump and they leave because they know it's not their voice and it never will be. It is a voice that resonates from the deepest caverns of the earth and they become a little smaller; they turn around, they go home. And it's a voice that, coming from a father or an uncle or even a grandfather, makes kids everywhere know that nothing will ever ever ever hurt them.


In Atlanta, turn signals are used primarily in fakes plays, including the notorious double-fake used by a rare few outsiders who signal and then move in the direction they have signaled.

Trump and Clinton are not running for the president of the same country. The one who wins will be the one whose vision of America most conforms with reality.

We all overestimated the world.

Shortly after Hitler's rise to power, in February 1933, Roth wrote in a letter to his friend, the Austrian writer Stefan Zweig: "You will have realized by now that we are drifting towards great catastrophes. Apart from the private -- our literary and financial existence is destroyed -- it all leads to a new war. I won't bet a penny on our lives. They have succeeded in establishing a reign of barbarity. Do not fool yourself. Hell reigns."

We don't educate people anymore. We train them to get jobs.

Everyone wants to win the game but no one wants to play.

I hope Clinton will move the country forward, but at worst she'll keep the status quo. Trump wants to move the country backward and set it on fire.

The death rate in the United States is still 100%. Have a nice day!

I'll start being funny again soon. What other choice do I have? Reality is in a death spiral and we seem to be living in a cackling, looming nightmare-swamp. We're all being dragged into a shadow-realm of doom by hateful lunatics who are determined to send our planet careening into oblivion.

...for a historian it [is] quite predictable. Lead people to feel they have lost control of their country and destiny, people look for scapegoats, a charismatic leader captures the popular mood, and singles out that scapegoat. He talks in rhetoric that has no detail, and drums up anger and hatred. Soon the masses start to move as one, without any logic driving their actions, and the whole becomes unstoppable.

Cycles of War and Plague

We have a choice between Nixon in a skirt, and Herbert Hoover with a bad toupee.

I play to people's fantasies. People may not always think big themselves, but they can still get very excited by those who do. That's why a little hyperbo never hurts. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular. I call it truthful hyperbole.

Wherever you look, establishment leaders are on the defensive to fact-free populism and xenophobia.

Seriously? A British cooking show? That's ridiculous. No one gets take out British or knows a nice little British place around the corner.

This Black Lives Matter law school response is, I believe, excellent.

What a crazy world, in so many ways; everything seems inflamed! All we can do is care as well as possible for our little corner.

The richer I get, the poorer I feel.

I'm sorry, I don't meet the height requirement to ride your emotional roller coaster.

I sense that we're in the middle of a MASSIVE paradigm shift and I'm honestly not sure in which direction. I'm hopeful and terrified all at once.

When I grow up I'm gonna have my own job and I'm gonna be able to buy whatever I want and I'm not gonna have to do anything I don't wanna do! * Universe gazes down and chuckles menacingly *

The person who wrote this should be arrested for trespassing on WTNH premises and impersonating a writer.

Scientists postulate that the last time a challenger beat an incumbent New Haven Democratic state legislator was sometime around the Oligocene Period, when South America moved toward North America after detaching from Antartica.

Education is our only political safety. Outside of this ark, all is deluge.

The Facebook experience:
The following is going on in my life:

  1. My new and exciting job
  2. The novel I'm close to finishing the second draft of
  3. My birthday do this afternoon
  4. Buying a flat and starting that new phase of my life
  5. Rehearsals for [a play that I'm in]

But what is it I find myself wanting to post breathless play-by-play updates about? 1. Whether my cat is peeing in the right box.

I can't summon up any empathy whatsoever for the revenge motive. I just don't understand the impulse to hurt people the way they hurt you. Avoid them, neutralize them, make it impossible for them to keep hurting others, absolutely. I'm not a pacifist. Put me in the bunker next to Hitler in 1945 and I pull the trigger, no questions asked. But I don't want to send him to a concentration camp. I've never understood how adding to the sum total of human suffering helps.

"You've got to respect everyone's beliefs." No, you don't. You have to acknowledge everyone's beliefs. Then you have to reserve the right to say: "That's just stupid. Are you kidding me?"

All your life you wasted
On dreaming about the day
Worker bees kill off their queen
And carry all her eggs away.

It's a typical Leno project. You get a car that's worth nothing, you put twenty or thirty thousand in it, and {snaps fingers} it's worth twelve five.

If I understand the history correctly, in the late 1990s, the President was impeached for lying about a sexual affair by a House of Representatives led by a man who was also then hiding a sexual affair, who was supposed to be replaced by another Congressman who stepped down when forced to reveal that he too was having a sexual affair, which led to the election of a new Speaker of the House who now has been indicted for lying about payments covering up his sexual contact with a boy.

I's been so long since I've had sex that I don't remember who ties up whom.

The most dangerous animal in the world is a silent smiling Southern woman.

I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all.

Jill and Jack began to frack, the oil boosts their town. But fractures make the bedrock shake, and Jack came tumbling down.

I'm pro-Bernie but I'd vote for Hillary because I'm a one-issue voter, and that issue is not opening the Seventh Seal and ushering in the Apocalypse.

A person less fortunate than yourself deserves the best you can give. Because of duty, and honor, and service. You should do your job right, and you should do it well, simply because you can, without looking for notice or reward.

People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.

What's exciting about the Trump campaign is we get to watch the rise of fascism in real time, not just in boring historical documentaries.

Something can only be considered historic after it becomes history.

That the happiness of man may still remain imperfect, as wants in this place are easily supplied, new wants likewise are easily created; every man, in surveying the shops of London, sees numberless instruments and conveniencies, of which, while he did not know them, he never felt the need; and yet, when use has made them familiar, wonders how life could be supported without them. Thus it comes to pass, that our desires always increase with our possessions; the knowledge that something remains yet unenjoyed, impairs our enjoyment of the good before us.

The world loves a spice of wickedness.

The path you didn't take is always smoother.

It's like getting your news from the town drunk.

If I remember correctly, that theory was given to you by a cricket when you were drunk.

Star Wars is just loud, violent, sexist Muppets with space ships.

Trump is running his campaign like he's on a reality show, which has no other context than itself, and of which the goal is to win the presidency, not actually to be president. He's not wrong about the reality show aspect of the campaign, and that's on all of us. He's wrong about everything else, and that's on him.

The [New York] Times knows more about regional politics in Finland than the female body.

No one expects the cat on the top of the refrigerator.

Fear shouldn't paralyze you, it should make you move; you just reframe it as exciting.

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

You all have a little bit of "I want to save the world" in you. I want you to know that it's OK if you only save one person. And it's OK if that one person is you.

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

To those of you who do not believe we should help the Syrian refugees - I say that ISIS has already conquered you. You are willing to change your life because of what they did in a place far away. You are willing to condemn an entire religion based on the actions of a few. You say you cherish life and families, but clearly only some life and some families. And you say your religion condones this.You are willing to let the rest of your life be controlled by fear rather than love. I'm not going with you.

That's how it works in this era of Internet preening, out of control partisanship and press-a-button punditry, when anything and everything becomes prompt for a plaint, a rant, a riff. It all happens in the click of a mouse, its metabolism too furious to allow for decorum or real perspective. At this point it's our ingrained habit to rush with dizzying speed into hyper-political overdrive and treat any shocking new development as fresh fodder for an old argument. On Saturday morning I read that Paris was going to be good for Republicans. I read that Paris was going to be good for Democrats. I felt sick ... because of my feelings about the automatic, indiscriminate politicization of tragedy. It's such a disrespectful impulse. And it's such an ugly one.

Don't promise when you're happy.
Don't reply when you're angry.
Don't decide when you're sad.

Sometimes I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It is beyond me.

A politician saying "my friends..."
The Inland Revenue saying "we remain, sir, your obedient servents..."
The telephone service saying "sorry you've been troubled..."
A policeman saying "Merry Christmas."
Yes, insincerity is a powerful irritant,
and a major weapon in the armory of Nature's liars: salesmen.

If you're tired of starting over... stop giving up!

The world's carmakers have the long-range vision and ethical integrity of a roving band of rabid raccoons.

To the person who ordered that thing for that person who does not know about that thing that was ordered, and does not want them to know about it until the time that the person will give that thing to the person who does not know about it: That thing you ordered is ready for that person. However I need their address so I can ship to that person this thing that you ordered for them to be delivered in time for that day you want this person to have the thing you ordered for that person. I need Tylenol.

Democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts and murders itself. There was never a democracy that did not commit suicide.

No one thinks of fighting when they see a topless girl.

Conversation between an out-of-state visitor (OV) and a Connecticut resident (CR) 10/29/2015
OV: This is the ugliest state I've ever seen!
CR: That's because we don't put highways where we don't want you!

In my life, I have given a fuck about many people and many things. I have also not given a fuck about many people and many things. And those fucks I have not given have made all the difference.

Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.

The first rule of politics is: Don't Invade Afghanistan.

The guy can talk a dog off a meat wagon.

We don't have airplanes anymore, we have flying Solaris boxes with a big bucketful of SCADA controllers.

We draw from who we need to draw from at different parts of our life.

Excuse me, Nicolaus Copernicus just called. You're not the center of the universe.

The cream rises to the top, so does the scum.

Solitary speculation is good up to a point. Your mind is uncluttered. You can focus. But with no one to test your perceptions against, things eventually began to circle [around] on themselves.

One problem with teaching in Ireland is that you spend so much time in pubs. The problem with spending time in Irish pubs is that it took me a year and a half to drink Guinness again once I got back to the States.

Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.

If it weren't for 200 knuckleheads, New Haven would be known as a great city.

I know people are saying that the media is ignoring Bernie Sanders, but we haven't not covered him that badly.

Does anyone else find it ironic that the Party of Lincoln thinks we need more guns in theaters?

It probably read better in the original German.

The Internet is the first thing that humanity has built that humanity doesn't understand.

At dinner tonight, our cat Honey, a rescue Maine coon, crawled up into my lap, like she often does, rubbed against me, said she was lonely, and wanted YOU BLINKED SUCKER! Grabbed my entire steak and ran like the dickens. Can't trust anybody.

Good writing is always about things that are important to you, things that are scary to you, things that eat you up.

It's been so hot for so long that I can't tell if I'm sweating from the humidity or just out of habit.

Such actions [as blowing up temples in Palmyra] often come in the wake of military setbacks and have dual purposes. It highlights the ability of ISIS to act with impunity and it also demonstrates the impotence of the international community to respond to ISIS atrocities. That combination is a very powerful propaganda message.

I've been in restaurants where they bring over a carrot and say "This carrot was born the ninth of September. His name is Jean-Marie..." Just give me the carrot!

One of the mistakes we make when we try to talk about politics in this country is that we keep pretending that the political sprectrum runs from right to left. It doesn't. It runs from top to bottom.

Neither party could know that they were opening a war that would outlast both of them, that would develop a life of its own, defying parleys and truces and treaties designed to stop it, that would drag on into their sons' lives and the lives of their grandsons and great-grandsons, and great-great-grandsons to the fifth generation, that would bring havoc to both sides and become, as its damage spread through Europe, the final torment of the closing Middle Ages.

Disaster is rarely as pervasive as it seems from recorded accounts. The fact of being on the record makes it appear continuous and ubiquitous whereas it is more likely to have been sporadic both in time and place. Besides, persistence of the normal is usually greater than the effect of the disturbance, as we know from our own times. After absorbing the news of today, one expects to face a world consisting entirely of strikes, crimes, power failures, broken water mains, stalled trains, school shutdowns, muggers, drug addicts, neo-Nazis, and rapists. The fact is that one can come home in the evening - on a lucky day - witout having encountered more than one or two of these phenomena. This has led me to formulate Tuchman's Law, as follows: "The fact of being reported multiplies the apparent extent of any deplorable development by five- to tenfold" (or any figure the reader would care to supply).

Tuchman's Law has been defined as a psychological principle of "perceptual readiness" or "subjective probability".

I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy!

It's very difficult to organize a march or rally if your signs say "The situation is complex."

The President is very much a figurehead - he wields no real power whatsoever. He is apparently chosen by the government, but the qualities he is required to display are not those of leadership but those of finely judged outrage. For this reason the President is always a controversial choice, always an infuriating but fascinating character. His job is not to wield power but to draw attention away from it.

The Nixon campaign in 1968, and the Nixon White House after that, had two enemies: the antiwar Left, and black people. You understand what I'm saying? We knew we couldn't make it illegal to be against the war or black. But by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuiana and blacks with heroin, and then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.

If you believe a background check to prevent mentally ill people from getting guns is a plot by Obama to confiscateyour guns, you're probably one of the people that backgroundchecks were designed to screen for.

I've been a telemarketer. I've been a debt collector. No one ever gave me suggestions about how to kill myself. Then I started working at the Help Desk. And that changed.

A country that forces veterans to beg for food at pantries in order to avoid taxing the wealthy is morally bankrupt and has no future.

The thing about monsters is, you want to kill them until you meet them, and when you meet them they don't seem monstrous, and killing them begins to seem unkind.

One thing having the garden has shown me is how lucky I am to have a grocery store nearby.

Most power has been the power of the fly that called itself a hawk. It could only govern those who agreed to call it a hawk instead of a fly, a tiger instead of a cat, a king instead of a man.

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.

If they exclude others it's freedom of religion. If others exclude them it's persecution.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind, it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.

" worry 'bout nuthin' "

Oskar Groening was convicted of 300,000 counts of being an accessory to murder. He was sentenced to four (4) years in prison. You can get 5 years in Connecticut for a Class D felony, such as falsely reporting an incident.

The rust! Punishment for robots: "Take [the robot] out to sea, unoiled, and fully aware. Drop him in. It will take him many years to Rust, and he will be aware, all of those years, of crumbling and rusting. Be sure that his skull-case is intact, so his awareness will not be short-circuited by water."

Stormnado weather late today. The wind from God's fusty butthole is directed right at Chester County. Take heed.

A guided meditation:

We have a Legos/Duplos model. We're not going to give the customer the little bricks because they might stick them in their mouthes and choke on them.

The Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens, in giving it on all occasions their effectual support.

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

I don't care if the door gaps are straight. When the driver steps on the gas I want him to shit his pants.

The Senate agreed to a motion to invoke cloture on a motion to concur in the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill.

Slaves did not lose their dignity (any more than they lost their humanity) because the government allowed them to be enslaved. Those held in internment camps did not lose their dignity because the government confined them. And those denied governmental benefits certainly do not lose their dignity because the government denies them those benefits. The government cannot bestow dignity, and it cannot take it away.

As bad as Thomas's dissent was Scalia's was mind boggling and if he wasn't hitting the pipe then the Oxy was strong with that one.

'Face the Nation' host John Dickerson: "[Hillary Clinton] says it's fear-mongering, this idea that there's a lot of election fraud going on."Gov. Chris Christie:"Well, she's never been to New Jersey, I guess."

We lick our finger, stick it in the air, and pray to God.

Grab life by the balls... just don't squeeze too hard.

Note to self: You can't do anything about it. You can't fix it. You can only wait. So stop thinking about it. I mean now.

Every day you choose in, and you're here only because you want to be... not for maybe or someday or if only he or she would, but for right now.

Love works in strange ways, dear. [We have an] inexplicable connection despite time, distance, or the need for oxygen.

Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly now. Love mercy now. Walk humbly now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

This country was founded upon, among other things, the belief that cruel and unusual punishment for crimes is not justice. And although the founding fathers were far from infallible and many of their beliefs have not withstood the test of time, I believe that this principle is something that always has been and always will be true.Rape is not justice. Torture is not justice. These things are revenge, and nothing more. Revenge sometimes looks like justice, but these two things are not interchangeable....In supporting [rape or torture, even for very awful people,] you sre supporting their very humanity being denied.Funny thing is, when you start denying the humanity of other human beings, no matter who they are, you lose a little bit of your own humanity as well....

Even if this guy doesn't deserve to be treated as a person and might even deserve...that personhood, in denying him it we ourselves lose a bit of our own. We should support the humane treatment of prisoners for our own good, if nothing else. [A] person, depraved as he may be, is a person nonetheless.

"I'm not 'taking power'! I'm 'catalyzing systemic change'!"

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

You've baked Iraq like a cake and given it to Iran to eat. An Iraqui general being quoted in:

It would seem strange that ignominy should ever have been adopted as a milder punishment than death, did we not know that the human mind seldom arrives at truth upon anysubject till it has first reached the extremity of error.

What's the point of language if you don't say what you feel?

"Nothing's impossible," Bear retorted. "Improbable, maybe. But the second you assume something is impossible, you pretty much open a door for it to come in and happen, because you won't be guarding against it."

The intent was for criminals to earn money from the incarceration of the innocent.

"It's true that we can't react violently, but, for example if Dr. Gasbarri here, a great friend of mine, says a curse word against my mother, then a punch awaits him." Pope Francis, 1/15/2015, attempting to make the point that free speech has it's limits, which include not insulting someone's religion or, it seems, his mom.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Since 1964 there have been only three [national] elections (midterm or presidential) in which a Bush or a Clinton hasn't been on the ballot somewhere for something.

Data drives change; whining doesn't help.

[My cousins and I] don't tell each other how to live our lives and we don't lend each other money. That may be the key to everything.

The meaning of life is to preserve humanity long enough that we can actually find meaning in life.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

I think I'm perfect, but I'm not as perfect as I could be.

The world is changed by your example, not your opinion.

I am SysAdmin. I can see your email, I can see what you had for lunch, I'm the big bad dark fear of every tin foil hat wearer: active, retired, future and past; heck, I even know a few dead ones that fear me on Mondays.

The predictable flopping from Democrat to Republican and back again, with voters given no real choice but to punish the party in power by electing the party that was punished previously. This endless,irrational dynamic is the foundation of the U.S. electoral system.

Television makes so much at its worst, that it can't afford to do its best.

Every time you find yourself getting pulled into other people's nonsense, repeat these words: "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

Twice as many people today have access to a cell phone than to a toothbrush.

Saying "you don't have anything to be depressed about, your life is great" is like saying "what do you mean you have asthma, there is loads of air in here."

All antennas are compromises. We only get to decide what compromises are acceptable to us, put up the antenna, and get on the air.

The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.

I saw a dead body every day of my life; tommyguns, stogies, money in back rooms. And as a kid, you don't know how to interpret that. Two-Gun Pete, who was a black cop, was shooting teenagers in front of the Walgreens every weekend, like entertainment. There were guys hanging off telephone poles with icepicks in their necks.

The more I read comments on reddit about things I know about, the more I see that I should stop trusting comments on things I know nothing about.

I've been on the road too long to sympathize with what you think you're owed.

Until now the assumption has been that the companies that got breached are the ones that have poor security practices, but we know that JPMorgan had a good security program and that they invest heavily in this area. So what we're waking up to is that the fundamental nature of security is broken.

It's probably healthy to be a bit paranoid, but you have to be careful not to fall into the trap that is "if I can imagine it, then it's likely." The ease with which weimagine tragic events rarely corresponds to their likelihood.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Why do you choose to believe this article, this scientific data or the scientists themselves? Aren't the scientists all just conspiring in these massive hoaxes to get grant money and to be alarmists? Why dismiss climate science but embrace astronomy?

You can't try to treat IT guys like they're a constricted cog in the normal bureaucratic flow of the company. The more you try to punish them and make them conform the less they'll be willing to go above and beyond for you or the company. Youhave to communicate with IT guys like they're boys at play. What they do can get extremely complicated and infuriatingly frustrating, but they do it because they enjoy it. If you take the joy out of their work then you take away the creative efforts that they would otherwise put into their projects.

Imagine the most embarrassing thing you've ever done while drunk. Then imagine that somebody texted you about it the next day. Then imagine that this text becomes one of the ONLY RECORDS of your existence to historians 200 years on, who then PUBLISH IT IN BOOKS.This is the sad fate of one Midshipman William Dunning Tripe, who, according to his shipmate Aaron Thomas 'sent for 5 bottles of porter and drank it all himself; by it, he got very tipsy, and in the night he shit upon the skylight which overlooks the captain's cabin.'

Hate is just repackaged fear, and if you tear away the layers of a hateful person, you'll usually finda scared little kid in there.

"Avant garde" is French for "bullshit".

It is a greater thing to be a good citizen than to be a good Republican or a good Democrat.

Follow your heart, but when your heart starts to crap all over your life, follow your brain.

- You can't sell ice cream to Eskimos, but you also can't ban ice cream in the Sahara Desert. Everyone wants sugar.

- People call "comfortable" what they get used to.

How will I celebrate? I put a mortadella in my pants.

Most men with nothing would rather protect the possibility of becoming rich than face the reality of being poor.

The first casualty of war is truth.

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

Relax, friend. Breathe deep the blue. Feel a wave of calmness wash over you. Not everything in a Reddit comments section is serious. Hear the waves, crashing against the rocks...

For a country founded on the idea that rights are inalienable and inherent from birth, we've developed a high tolerance for conditional rights and conditional citizenship. And the one condition, it turns out, is money.

In the online dating world, women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone fat.

Maybe money unites people more than race divides them.

> When I worked at McDonald's they were always quick to point > out that it wasn't fast food, it was fast service. (Kind of > like how the casinos don't like to call it "gambling", they > prefer to call it "gaming".) And a person that used to be a "prostitute" is now a "sex worker" and those workers aren't selling "sex" to lonely men, they're selling "stimulation" to "stressed community leaders" (like bankers) and those bankers aren't stealing, it's "economic stimulation".

Lord Byron had only one good leg, so he convinced every woman he met to split hers with him. They didn't have high-pressure hoses in that era, so Byron would fight fires by reciting poetry to a crowd of female admirers.

True individual freedom cannot exist without economic security and independence. People who are hungry and out of a job are the stuff of which dictatorships are made.

When you're driving you're piloting a 3,000-pound projectile. At 65 mph, you're covering 96 feet in one second. It'll take you 316 feet to come to a complete stop under ideal conditions.

Monkeys and unicorns flocked through the streets and rainbows exploded into magical sparkly pixie dust. All the while cake and ice cream treats rained down from the sky.

Science investigates; religion interprets. Science gives man knowledge, which is power; religion gives man wisdom, which is control. Science deals mainly with facts; religion deals mainly with values. The two are not rivals.

It's morning. The house is cold. I'm hoping there's hot water because I have to be at work soon. I hate everyone. Give me an hour.

You are, of course, a miserable excuse for a person, crafted from the scrapings of Satan's filthiest codpiece. But at least you have cheese. -"Pam", via Margaret (I don't know who "Pam" is)

A musician is someone that loads $5,000 of equipment into a $500 car so he can drive 100 miles to play a $50 gig.

This could totally make up for the fact I cannot seem to find bacon seeds.

We need to talk about the fact that we are for a free-market society that allows your effort and ingenuity to determine your success, not the cold, hard hand of the government.

I don't know what goes on in her head but I think it's all grass fields with bunnies in there.

Search for your number in pi:

All those times you said we looked better without makeup? We were wearing moisturizer, foundation, mascara and lip balm. And maybe even a little lip or cheek tint.

If you run into an jerk in the morning, you ran into an jerk. If you run into jerks all day, you're the jerk.

Silver Fox: I hate everybody! Red Fox: Me too. We should be enemies.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Drink deep or taste not the Pierian spring.

If you're not taking incoming fire you're bombing the wrong target.

We should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American. There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag. We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language, and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.

Did you know that the average viewing time per person is now three hours a day? Soon people won't be living their own lives any more. It will be a full-time job keeping up with the various family serials on T.V.

Where I'm from we say "the shorter the leash, the bolder the dog." The less power you've got, the more attached you are to your statements.

I'm a SysAdmin. I've raised 2 children (1 boy, 1 girl, with the challenges that come with each) including through their teenage years. I've been divorced. Rhinoceros covet my skin.

Thank you very much! Try the veal, have another drink, and remember to tip your waiter. I'll be here all week folks; I also do weddings, bar mitzvahs, and smokers.

I think a person should be able to dial a number, make a purchase, send an SMS, write an e-mail, or visit a Web site without having to think aobut what it's going to look like on their permanent record.

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see And now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

"Everyone but those on my team are wrong, because they aren't on my team." Perhaps, then, it's the game itself that's flawed.

You will meet jerks in every aspects of life. Just try not let your anger toward these jerks turn you into a jerk yourself.

I am not even going to ask why the salt was in the basement. I am still looking for my pepper.

The ticket to admission to the U.S. Senate to to be able to make deals that you ought to be ashamed of without the smallest sign of shame.


Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.

An apostrophe is not a grammatical symbol that means "the next letter is an s".

In 100 years we have gone from teaching Latin and Greek in high school to teaching Remedial English in college.

Urban redevelopment by fire.

It's okay to fall in love with someone else once in a while. Being together for a long time can do that to someone; it happens, you may not want it, but you might not be able to help it. And that's okay, so long as you don't act on it, or don't sink too deeply into it. Be in love. Enjoy the rush of infatuation. But then, let it go, and let your feelings come back home. Don't act on your momentary feelings.

Beyond the tying of shoelaces, there isn't much you can teach a person. But I believe every child should be given this little speech: "Whether they know it or not, everybody you meet is trying to make you more like themselves. Strong people tend to make you stronger. Weak people do things to weaken you. Drunks offer you drinks; whiners want you to whine back. Cruel people will be gratified if you respond to their cruelty with your own. Look for the kind, sad, funny people. They are the best. Try to learn for yourself how to be like them."

"...put your hand on the knob of the door to your room. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. What's that noise you hear? Could it be your books reading themselves to one another?" -Frances O'Roark Dowell, "Falling In"

Yom Kippur defined: We fast, we atone for our sins, we don't turn on the electricity. So it's basically a bunch of hungry guilty people sitting around in the dark. -Billy Crysl (via NPR) You could sum up any Jewish holiday like this: "They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat!"

Most realities are drearily complicated.

Politician - Someone who loves his country enough to ask you to die for it.

There are four things that almost guarantee ascension into the middle class. Finish high school, stay out of jail, keep the same job for over a year, and do not have a child out of wedlock. Poor people who do this generally manage to enter the middle class.

I think it is the hallmark of a living (as opposed to petrified) society that you can ask about any law, rule, habit or generally "feature": "Apart from 'we always did it that way', what else makes it so important that we have to forbid or compel something?" A typical watchword for things needing a review is "tradition".

As soon as men decide all means are permitted to fight an evil, then their good becomes indistinguishable from the evil they set out to destroy.

When author Lloyd Douglas attended college, he lived in a boardinghouse with a retired music professor who lived on the first floor. Douglas would stick his head in the door and ask, "What's the good news?" The old man would pick up his tuning fork, tap it on the side of his chair and say, "That's middle C. It was middle C yesterday, it will be middle C tomorrow, it will be middle C a thousand years from now. The tenor upstairs sings flat. The piano across the hall is out of tune, but, my friend, that is middle C!"

M.I.T. Cheer I'm a Beaver, you're a Beaver, we are Beavers all. And when we get together, we do the Beaver call. E to the U du dx, E to the X dx. Cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159. Integral radical mu dv Slipstick, sliderule, MIT. Go Tech

If the government demanded that we all carry tracking devices 24/7, we would rebel. Yet we all carry cell phones. If the government demanded that we deposit copies of all of our messages to each other with the police, we'd declare their actions unconstitutional. Yet we all use Gmail and Facebook messaging and SMS. If the government demanded that we give them access to all the photographs we take, and that we identify all of the people in them and tag them with locations, we'd refuse. Yet we do exactly that on Flickr and other sites.

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

Jesus was the son of an unwed teenage mother. He was raised by an earthly father who was not his biological father. He taught that love of God and your neighbour trumps family ties and that if you have to choose between them, to leave your family behind (Luke 14, Matthew 10). He never married. He spent his 30s hanging around with twelve single dudes who he'd convinced to leave their families and occupations so that they could scrounge off others. One of his best friends may have been a prostitute. What, exactly, are the "traditional Biblical family values" you think you're supporting? -MP

Calvin: Do you believe in the Devil? A supreme evil being, dedicated to the corruption and destruction of man? Hobbes: I'm not sure that man needs the help.

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

Every day is the same length of time whether you're positive or negative - negative just makes it seem longer. -Alma

There is nobody at the CIA who can tell you more personally about Kim Jong Un than Dennis Rodman, and that in itself is scary.

Apparently not even I am always like me.

You share the same birthday with someone? Not that special, there are 365-366 days in a year in which you can be born, and 7 billion people in the world. That means you share your birthday with on the order of 20 millon people. You're one in a million? Taken literally, that means there are 7,000 people like you on the planet. Somebody's got to win the lottery? 1 in 175 million. That means YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY.

If you hadn't ordered steak and replaced all of your sides with 'also steak,' the food would have been here by now.

A human is a system for converting dust billions of years ago into dust billions of years from now via a roundabout process which involves checking email a lot.

It doesn't work [when a user curses at his computer] because he is a lay person. Curse words, as we know are literally words of curse, and as such affect the intricate underpinnings of reality (lay lines and such). Common folk are not powerful enough to affect these forces in any meaningful way. It takes an IT wizard to come in and apply the words in just the right manner to make a device work. As a side effect, all this tinkering with the ether leaves its trace on the Wizard, which is why sometimes his mere presence is enough to disrupt the balance and repair a device.

They're like the kudzu of the animal kingdom!

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women. And they hate each other.

Tales From Retail: You know that feeling. You go to work, you're feeling great. Today's a good day, I can just feel it. Nothing or no one can get to you. But then little by little, as you deal with each person, little by little your spirit breaks. Slowly your genuine smile fades into what you'd imagine a Nazi sneer looks like before gassing another Jew. You finally get off, and you leave thinking, "There is no hope on this planet." And then you wake up to do it again.

By the time I was old enough and became a pilot, things had changed. The great airplanes I had so revered as a boy were disappearing... The record-setting flights... across the oceans, over the poles, and to the corners of Earth, had all been accomplished. And I resented that. All in all... I was disappointed by the wrinkle in history that had brought me along one generation late. I had missed all the great times and adventures in flight.

If LaPierre gets pistol-packing schoolmarms, I want sidearms for copy editors. Then people will understand what "deadline" means.

I have found that I am an iPhone snob. You know I'm single. When I start texting with someone new I seriously get so disappointed when I see the response in green and not blue. -This person is going to be so anonymous!

A politician thinks of the next election. A statesman, of the next generation.

Violence procreates. And the children your violence produces will return to you as savage, mindless things. You won't recognize them as yours, but they'll recognize you. They'll mark you as deserving of their punishment.

General theories need not apply to particular people.

Violence breeds violence. It's an absolute. But it never comes back in a way you can predict.

The more I have to cram into my head, the stupider I get.

From the moment that men give themselves wholly up to a party, they abandon their reason and are led captive by their passions. The cause they espouse presents such bewitching charms as dazzle the judgment; and the side they oppose such imaginary deformity, that no opposition appears too violent; nor any arts to blacken and ruin it, incapable of a specious varnish. They follow their leaders with an implicit faith, and, like a company of dragoons, obey the word of command without hesitation.

I'm bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than you. Do you want to play? -Will, age 3. With social skills like that, he'll surely grow up to be a geek!

From what I've heard from others, I'd like to hang in there with you. In case it vomits all over our day I'd like to be here with a bucket.

I don't want everybody to vote. As a matter of fact, our leverage in the elections quite candidly goes up as the voting populace goes down.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

Sometimes its impossible to protect users from their own stupidity, no matter how hard you try.

We've bought into the idea that education is about training and "success", defined monetarily, rather than learning to think critically and to challenge. We should not forget that the true purpose of education is to make minds, not careers. A culture that does not grasp the vital interplay between morality and power, which mistakes management techniques for wisdom, which fails to understand that the measure of a civilization is its compassion, not its speed or ability to consume, condemns itself to death.

When you're enjoined to do something for the greater good, maybe ask yourself the questions: "What is greater, and what is good?" -

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

"A song and an error"

Most little children are afraid of a great many things. As adults, we can learn to usually be courageous. At least in the case of boys, this is accomplished by transitioning through an approximately seven year period of intense stupidity. I don't know how girls accomplish this.

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

A hazmat suit, superman cape, batman undies, and no sanity are the requirements for this!

Many people don't follow politics in order to find out who to vote for as part of their duty as citizens living in a democracy. They follow it purely as a form of entertainment. They're like sports fans, rooting for their "team" to win. Virtually all political news coverage is written to appeal to those people. They're the most rabid "consumers" of news, and their traffic is the most reliable, so the news is tailored to appeal to them.

The key word here is "labor". People LABORED to have a good life. Nowadays the folks we call "poor" have been living on entitlements for generations. They have no desire to labor because they don't have to. The concept of "labor = reward" is lost on them. While everyone attacks the rich who are easy targets, no one wants to address the larger problem of the poor whose sponging while having no intention to contribute anything is woefully unsustainable and a far greater drain. A massive effort needs to be done to differentiate the poor from the needy for they are not one in the same. The needy should get all the benefits an advanced society can offer them, the poor on the other hand need to be reacquainted with the concept of labor.

The hardest part of gaining any new idea is sweeping out the false idea occupying that niche. As long as that niche is occupied, evidence and proof and logical demonstration get nowhere. But once the niche is emptied of the wrong idea that has been filling it--once you can honestly say 'I don't know,' then it becomes possible to get at the trutn.

There is a cult of ignorance in the United States and there always has been. The strain of anit-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'

If you take a risk and you win it's "nice job, let's move on." If you take a risk and lose they walk you out the door.

Claiming that someoe else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet.

As youth recedes into the rearview mirror, and your face slides south in succumbing to time and gravity, and your joints ache from decades of overuse, something curious happens. You get happier. I don't mean the ecstatic happiness you periodically feel amidst the turbulence of your teens or 20s. I'm talking about a growing contentment and acceptance of yourself and of life as it is, a grateful appreciation for each moment that you continue to draw breath.

What if we thought of the human race as an "organism", instead of each human individual? In that case, we could consider people as organs in the organism (heart, brain, liver, etc). When we, as people, are hungry, we feed ourselves. We don't feed our kidney and our spleen, we feed the whole body, because we need all parts of the body to function properly. If we, as the human race, cared about feeding all the parts of ourselves for maximum functionality, would that be a healthier approach?

She thinks she's all that and a bag of Skittles, but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow.

In my country, we lock up the criminally insane. In America, you let them debate on TV. Right now, you have people running for President I would not trust to take care of my plants.

Human understanding cannot grasp the nature of God. Mathematics cannot explain it. Science cannot isolate it. Jesus, a genius, understood all this and tried to explain God's existence to us in terms we could understand as the Bronze Age was morphing into the Iron Age. What do you tell a people who think the sun revolves around the Earth? Being filled with superstition and fear, too many of us have used Jesus' enlightened word as another bloody tool to gain and keep power.

I've always found brilliance untempered by failure is purely arrogance but brilliance that has overcome failure can be truly useful to your fellow man.

Force is an argument to use when nothing else will do and the issue is that important.

It just boggles my mind that, in a culture as advanced as ours, you can get a double cheeseburger for a dollar, but you have to pay extra to eat healthy food.

If we become a country in which we all say [to the government] "please tell me how to live," we're doomed.

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.

Herbal medicine has been around for thousands of years. Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it? It just became a nice bowl of soup and some potpourri.

For decades, Americans have experienced a populist uprising that only benefits the people it is supposed to be targeting.The angry workers, mighty in their numbers, are marching irresistibly against the arrogant. They are shaking their fists at the sons of privilege. They are laughing at the dainty affectations of the Leawoof toffs. They are massing at the gates of Mission Hills, hoisting the black flag, and while the millionaires tremble in their mansions, they are bellowing out their terrifying demands. "We are here," they scream, "to cut your taxes!" -Thomas Frank, What's the Matter with Kansas?

Half a league half a league, Half a league onward, All in the valley of Death Rode the ten: 'Forward, the UNIX Team! Charge for the guns' he said: Into the valley of Death Rode the noble ten.

You develop an instant global consciousness, a people orientation, an intense dissatisfaction with the state of the world and a compulsion to do something about it. From out there on the moon, international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter of a million miles out and say, "Look at that, you son of a bitch."

If you don't think too good don't think too much.

People will treat with disdain such phenomena as are proved by the evidence of the senses, and commenly experienced, while they will defend to the death the reality of a phenomenon which they have neither seen nor experienced. From Voyager by Diana Gabaldon

'Thomas Granger of Plymouth, a boy of seventeen or so, was indicted in 1642 for buggery "with a mare, a cow, two goats, five sheep, two calves and a turkey."'

The best time to plant an oak tree was twenty-five years ago. The second best time is today.

Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya!

Puzzles are "transmitter-dependent"; they turn on what we are told. Mysteries are "receiver-dependent"; they turn on the skills of the listener.

Berlin is a skeleton which aches in the cold. It is my own skeleton aching. I feel in my bones the sharp ache of the frost in the girders of the overhead railway, in the ironwork of balconies, in the bridges, tramlines, lamp-standards, latrines. The iron throbs and shrinks, the stone and the bricks ache dully, the plaster is numb. -Christopher Isherwood in In The Garden Of Beasts describing winter in Berlin, Germany in the 1930s

I am totally a dog person. Cats remind me too much of my last boyfriend: aloof, only wants affection when they want it, and breath like tuna.

My mom is almost all Irish. I always say my mom has this little green man inside her and you never want to make him come out!

This happens a lot, and there's nothing you can do about it. You might be screwed, but you'll basically be OK.

I do not believe that [even] a majority can vote a man's life or property or freedom away from his.

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

Trust him? I wouldn't trust him to pick me up at the airport! He'd pull the plug on my life support in a minute, even if I was only getting a dental cleaning!

Even when working with a reading group of 6 to 8 students, teachers are overseeing the decoding skills, comprehension, word attack, performance, and engagement of those students while simultaneously keeping tabs on the learning of the other two dozen students in the room. The only time a physician could possibly encounter a situation of comparable complexity would be in the emergency room of a hospital during or after a natural disaster.

If your main objective in a phone call is to convince someone that you're not crazy you've already lost.

In cyberspace, the balance of power is on the side of the attacker. Attacking a network is *much* easier than defending a network. That may change eventually -- there might someday be the cyberspace equivalent of trench warfare, where the defender has the natural advantage -- but not any time soon.

If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, why don't you turn the Internet back on?

More important than reason in shaping habits are the stories we tell ourselves. -Jonathan Safran Foer, Eating Animals

You don't know what you can do until you wake up the next morning and realize how you feel from having done it.

Books to the ceiling, Books to the sky, My pile of books is a mile high. How I love them! How I need them! I'll have a long beard by the time I read them."

Tradition is the scourge of endeavor. -Terry Pratchett Unseen Academicals

Anything that's the something of something isn't the anything of anything.

Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good.

I like living in England. One reason is because it's in Europe. Here I can take a train and in a few hours I'm in Paris. Back in Massachusetts, I can take a train and in a few hours I'm in Newark, New Jersey. Not that there's anything wrong with Newark, New Jersey. Just saying.

"People in Savannah don't say, 'Before leaving the room, Mrs. Jones put on her coat.' Instead, they say, 'Before leaving the room, Mrs. Jones put on the coat that her third husband gave her before he shot himself in the head.'"

Advice to aspiring writers: "Keep a diary, but don't just list all the things you did during the day. Pick one incident and write it up as a brief vignette. Give it color, include quotes and dialogue, shape it like a story with a beginning, middle and end -- as if it were a short story or an episode in a novel. It's great practice. Do this while figuring out what you want to write a book about. The book may even emerge from within this running diary."

"Elitism" is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity.

I feel used and unwanted, like the two pieces of an Oreo cookie after the cream filling has been licked out of them.

The art of narrative consists in concealing from your audience everything that it wants to know until after you expose your favorite opinions on topics foreign to the subject.

You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.

“The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof, shit detector. This is the writer's radar, and all great writers have had it.”

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

There is hardly a product of our culture that someone cannot make a little worse and sell for a little less, and the one who puts price above all other considerations is the natural prey of this man.

This atrocious doctrine of allegiance to party plays directly into the hands of politicians of the baser sort--and doubtless that it was borrowed or stolen--from the monarchial system. -Mark Twain

It is better to support schools than jails. -Ibid

The Autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Things turn out best for the people who make the best of how tings turn out.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

You only argue when you don't like the results.

Amid chaos of images, we value coherence. We believe in the printed word; we believe in clarity; we believe in immaculate syntax, and in the beauty of the English language.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Writing programs is a bit like arranging the junk in your garage: The organization makes perfect sense when you're stashing stuff away for the first time, but six months later you can't remember why you put things where you did.

I cannot do all the good the world needs, but the world needs all the good I can do.

The less you know, the more you believe.

Think for yourselves, and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too.

Every man should have a daughter, if only to provide his wife with a worthy opponent.

He would never admit this, but he's an investment banker, so for him, admitting the truth is something to be done only in the event of a plea bargain. -Augusten Burroughs, "Dry"

Honor is not the exclusive property of any political party.

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible.

What does not exist ab initio is wealth; wealth must be created by sustained human effort.

Take what you want and pay for it, says God.

Everyone has their own brand of crazy. That's what makes life fun and interesting.

We will ourselves not to see--it is not the fact of indigence that distresses us, just the spectacle.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Let me just say that if Lotus Notes was designed on a cocktail napkin, then Microsoft Office Communicator was surely designed on a sheet of toilet paper.

I'm not a bullshitter.   {pause}   OK, I bullshit sometimes, but I'm not a liar!" -An assisted living center staff member, prefacing a report about my mom

Today's best headline: Man tells Steve Jobs to 'try Verizon!' as AT&T network fails during iPhone 4 debut

If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over? -John Wooden (Via Manny, thanks!)

Whoever invented the meeting must have had Hollywood in mind. I think they should consider giving Oscars for meetings: Best Meeting of the Year, Best Supporting Meeting, Best Meeting Based on Material from Another Meeting.

If they'd look up the court records they'd have more facts then I do.

Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor.

It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become toward the defects of others.

If I'd had more time I would have written a shorter letter.

She was bewildered and excited. Every day was filled with surprises. Her new boss was an undead automaton from hell, true, but no job was perfect.

Fact and fiction carry the same intrinsic weight in the marketplace of ideas, [but] reality has no advertising budget. Persistence and presence create truth online.

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.

A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.

Earthquakes are caused by promiscuous women!

Men can say "No!" to promiscuous women. But they don't. That's what causes volcanoes.

[My cousin back Indiana] sat in her kitchen and said, "I'm just scared to death." I asked of what. She lives in a small, safe town, knows everybody in it, is retired, financially secure, and her health is OK. She said, "I just am." There's a rich vein of gold in that statement, and miscreant TV and radio talk show hosts are mining it.

If it ain't broke, don't break it. If it's broke, fix it any way you can and to hell with the critics.

The human mind treats a new idea the same way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.

Most ball games are lost, not won.

No one is such a liar as the indignant man.

Amateurs hack systems. Professionals hack people.

Drugs, cars, or cards: the dealer always wins.

I don't care who votes as long as I get to count the votes. -Joseph Stalin As long as I get to count the votes, what are you going to do about it?

I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. I like to see pictures of places I'll never visit.

The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions.

In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.

You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.

Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.

If things go so badly that the S&P 500 becomes permanently worthless, I have a hard time believing that the people who own gold will rule the world. I think it's more likely that the people who own steel that is conveniently shaped like guns will control everything, including all of the shiny rocks.

Seems to me the real question is, should mentally defective people be allowed to serve as Senators or Congresspeople. Think about it. The amount of harm one person can do with a gun pales in comparison.

Sex. Some people think it's not the answer. OK, it's the question. The answer is "yes".

When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it.

We cannot doubt that self-interest is the mainspring of human nature. It must be clearly understood that this word is used here to designate a universal, incontestable fact, resulting from the nature of man, and not an adverse judgment, as would be the word selfishness.

View Only access with write permission? Must be another company standard.

In Europe, the collapse of socialism removed the main issue that divided the political parties. In America, it removed the main issue that united them. That is why European politics was more ideological than US politics then, and US politics is more ideological than European politics now.

Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering a farmer's daughter.

What's the most common password among the 32 million people whose accounts were hacked at RockYou late last year? According to a study by Imperva, it's 123456, followed by 12345, 123456789 and Password, in that order. iloveyou came in at no. 5. Only 0.2% of users had what would be considered a strong password.

In times of war the laws fall silent.

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh... is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh... and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh... try to figure out what my phone number spells in words. Ellen DeGeneres

The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.

There's a fine line between good marketing and grand larceny. If you think you’re smart enough to tell the difference, you might be giving yourself too much credit.

Man tries to make for himself in the fashion that suits him best a simplified and intelligible picture of the world; he then tries to some extent to substitute this cosmos of his for the world of experience, and thus to overcome it. This is what the painter, the poet, the speculative philosopher, and the natural scientists do, each in his own fashion. Each makes this cosmos and its construction the pivot of his emotional life, in order to find in this way peace and security which he can not find in the narrow whirlpool of personal experience.

I wonder, what would the birth experience be called if a man were delivering? Rather than "in labor" it might be "in death's throes", "in torture", "in unbelievable pain", "in these circumstances, better dead than alive". Hard to describe the birth experience, but somehow, "in labor" just doesn't quite cover it. -RMD Note to self: Must be more careful about what jokes we tell to whom, and when. Someone sent me a response to this, that said: If men were delivering it would be a sporting event. Medals, tournaments, the whole nine yards. Oh, and they would only do it once!

If you're now wondering what society would be like if men got periods, Gloria Steinem wondered the same thing, and her answer is reproduced here. I seem to have touched a nerve. Another woman responded: If men got a period, NOTHING would ever get done cause they'd all be spending days in bed, whining about how bad they felt, how they were too bloated to fit into their clothes, crying, and begging for more Midol cause their cramps were so bad! Oh, and there would be extensive research into what drugs could help alleviate the symptoms, and there would be telethons for research funds. And, congress would enact a law requiring jail time up to and including the death penalty, for a woman who said to a man "What's the problem, it's all in your head."

The martial arts isn't really about fighting, which is just dealing with the symptoms, but is more about curing the diseased frame of mind that got you into the fight in the first place.

You tell me whar a man gits his corn pone, en I'll tell you what his 'pinions is.

You never change the existing reality by fighting it. Instead, create a new model that makes the old one obsolete.

Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

If archaeologists ever dig up my body and study it, they'll find that it was made of 2 substances: cheese, and burger.

I have many regrets, and I'm sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret if you have any sense, and if you don't regret them, maybe you're stupid.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

It'd be a terrific innovation if you could get your mind to stretch a little further than the next wisecrack.

When your boyfriend asks "Hey, can I dye your cat?" The answer should never be "Sure . . . what?"

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up.

He writes the worst English that I have ever encountered. It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abysm of pish, and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash.

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

The teacher asked the kids how would you cook a turkey and for how long. My son's response: "spin it around and roll it into a ball and squish it and put a lollipop in it - cook for 24 minutes."

The challenge of Thanksgiving is to gather among our kin who know us a little too well and have an amiable occasion enjoyed equally by all, at which nobody is stabbed through the heart with a carving knife.

Despite the old adage, honesty is not always the best policy. For example, when someone asks: "Do you want to hear about..." "No, not really" is pretty much never the correct answer. Another example is when you're asked: "How do you like my new haircut?" The wise one will lie, and say somethig like: "It makes you look at least 10 years younger!" Trust me, "It makes you look like a puppy!" is wrong, even if true. Honesty is over-rated.

The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions.

I'm very pleased with each advancing year. It stems back to when I was forty. I was a bit upset about reaching that milestone, but an older friend consoled me. "Don't complain about growing old - many, many people do not have that privilege."

Argument is meant to reveal the truth, not to create it.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

"Wrong" is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses.

The problem is not that we are different. The problem is that people try to make out the fact that we are different as a bad thing. -Kimberly H. We screwed up. But luckily, we screwed up right.

Allow me to invent a new word to describe my feeling at this moment: Holyjeezamafuginkripes.

I've never seen a monument erected to a pessimist.

I deny nothing, but doubt everything.

Be careful! Or the anti-counter revolutionary negation crisis incident neutralization response and containment team will get YOU!

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

Why would you worry about spending a weekend with someone whose language you don't speak? I've lived for 25 years with someone who speaks Woman!

TBA hears the sounds of the night waft in through the open window mixing with the relentless tapping of the keyboard and the tired whine of a hard drive limping towards end of life.

I speak penguin!

The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.

I just read this headline: "Hero dog saves 89 year old man from Cougar" All I could think was "How the hell old was that woman?"

I've never killed people at such a breakneck pace before!

You're a SysAdmin, right? I used to be a tech writer for XXXXXXXX support (Dear customer, here's what is going to go wrong and why it's not your fault).

We don't say "no", we say "not that way".

There is no reason to say that I'm the illegitimate grandson of an alligator!

If you don't believe in the power of advertising, just pick up any alumni magazine. Observe how they make "an expert on the biology of mosses and lichens" look as if his life is much more exciting than yours. And marvel. This is the power of advertising.

I swear, Connecticut has the second-most corrupt politicians in America. Thank God for New Jersey.

He noticed that his debt exceeded the world GDP while making a routine balance inquiry on his online Bank of America account. ... In a statement, Visa said the rogue [$23 quadrillion] charges affected fewer than 13,000 prepaid transactions...

When I was growing up we had only 3 T.V. channels, and they broadcast only one half hour of news, in the evening. There is still only a half an hour of news, but they take all day to cover it.

The less you talk, the more you're listened to.

People are more important than objects. They have to be. Otherwise all sorts of atrocities are possible.

In any news story of late I think that if you replace the name "Michael Jackson" with "Kim Jong-il" there's not a whole lot of difference.

Even when opportunity knocks, one must still get off his seat and open the door.

In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world's first and only hot air baboon ride.

More harm has been done by people panicked over societal decline than societal decline ever did.

I feel like I've died and gone to Seattle.

I hate computers! We all hate computers. That's why we're here -- this is Hell.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Dr. XXXXXXXX was my infectious disease doctor at XXXXXXXX Hospital. He was the infectious disease doc for the women with the swine flu. I completely understand why she died.

Understatement of the day: "The downgrade of Great Britain by S&P certainly damped enthusiasm."

Stress is a job benefit. It keeps you on your toes.

If men were angels, no government would be necessary.

[We seek to establish] a government of laws and not of men.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

As institutions embrace automated services such as self-service password reset for purposes of reducing costs and boosting efficiency, these services are being targeted by attackers for the relative ease with which they can be used to gain access to registered accounts.

Voters have seen many Republicans who have campaigned on the conservative themes of lower taxes, less government and more freedom, and consistently failed to govern that way. Americans didn't turn away from conservatism; they instead turned away from those who faked it.

It is not who is right, but what is right, that is of importance.

Euclid taught me that without assumptions there is no proof. Therefore, in any argument, examine the assumptions.

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.

When you have a clock in the house you know the time. Once you get two clocks you are no longer certain.

I imagine that getting caught with your hand in the public till in China means death. Here it means reelection.

First, you have to charge your fratistat with some impossibilium to use it on your widget to get your widget back into whack. Then you have to smear some unobtanium on your doohickey to slide it into the thingamabob. This'll work 99% of the time unless your thingamabob is totally discombobulated, then you'll just have to buy a new one at Wal-Mart.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your mind off your goals.

The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone.

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.

Make no mistake -- auditors will find fault with your systems, your processes, and the people who operate them. They're auditors. It's their job.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky? I think so, Brain, but won't the American public catch on eventually?

Correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and and gesture furtively while mouthing 'look over there'.

If one would give me six lines written by the hand of the most honest man, I would find something in them to have him hanged.

This is a goat rodeo!

a(b+c)=(ab)+(ac) Politicize THAT!

The dog to be scared of in the 2000s is the pit. In the 90s it was the rottie. In the 80s it was the Doberman. In the 70s, it was the German Shepherd. Unfortunately, the media reports limited versions of almost everything, it seems.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

I have read your book and much like it.

When I was in my thirties I had these little square hips left over from being pregnant and I just hated it. I kept thinking "All those years before, I had a perfect glamour-girl body, and I didn't spend one minute appreciating it because I thought my nose had a bump in it." And now that I'm old, my shoulder hurts and I don't sleep good and my knuckles swell up, and I think, "All those years in my thirties and forties I had a body where everything worked perfect. And I didn't spend one minute appreciating it because I thought I had square hips."

[You] can't understand a company's network security by looking at public events -- that's a bad metric. All the public events tell you are, these are attacks that were successful enough to steal data, but were unsuccessful in covering their tracks.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

The point of good writing is knowing when to stop.

I'm not a big fan of bailing out companies, but I'm even less of a fan of letting them fold. Not only does it "punish" the CEOs, but the workers and suppliers. If we have to give them a loan, I want to be darned sure that they're not taking the top dogs to Hawaii and letting them work off their stress in the Jacuzzi, while the "little people" have to pick up the slack with the layoffs. I'm also tired of punishing the poor. Reagan was the big one who pushed that idea with the "welfare Cadillacs". Yes there are people who are on welfare and have Cadillacs. They're usually a run down gas guzzler that someone gave them or sold them cheap to get rid of. One thing Obama does is bring a remembrance of what it's like to live in poverty and may be more open to working to break that cycle rather than giving tax breaks to the wealthy and hoping that they'll shop at WalMart so the part time worker with the asthmatic kid gets more hours.

On January 1, 1900 do you know what the largest company in the United States was? It was the Pennsylvania Railroad. They were responsible for moving more people and goods across this country than everyone else combined. If you had told anyone back then that they wouldn't be around in 60 years they would have laughed you out of the room. In the 1930's, Amelia Earhart spoke at a board luncheon and told them that someday airplanes would be moving goods and people across the country, and they did indeed laugh her out of the room. What was their problem? The railroad never adapted to the changing times. Their mission statement was basically that they moved people and goods across the country by train. If they had just changed those last two words to by the fastest and most expedient way possible, they might still be around today. Is it sad that the Penn is gone? Yes, but now we're getting our packages shipped overnight, and I can get to California in an afternoon instead of four days. If the Feds had tried to bail out the railroad, how much would they have had to spend to save it, or more fundamentally: could any amount of money have saved the railroad? Could anyone have saved the whaling industry? Should we have? Wall Street is constantly crying Laissez-faire, until they want a handout. Then it becomes another story.

That is pretty draconian -- $500,000 is not a lot of money, particularly if there is no bonus.

That's right, fellow taxpayers, he wants your money, because he lost his, and he thinks that a half a million dollars per year is not enough of a reward for his clients, even when they lose their shareholders' money. Could you manage to scrape by on a half a mil a year? Do you expect your compensation to be linked to your performance? Maybe you need a "compensation consultant".

Math is like love: a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

There are a few things that are guaranteed to keep your computer and data safe. Don't connect to a network, ever. Keep the machine physically secure in a lead-lined room. Remove the hard drive and store it in a safe. Epoxy over the USB ports and pull out the DVD drive. Keep the keyboard locked in a drawer. Guard the room with dragons. The PC itself should be kept behind the starting defensive lineup of the 1976 Pittsburgh Steelers.

Many highly intelligent people are poor thinkers. Many people of average intelligence are skilled thinkers. The power of a car is separate from the way the car is driven.

I often wonder what is the color of the Sun on the planet these guys live on.

Illegitimis non carborundum

Argument is meant to reveal the truth, not to create it.

One post-teen: But how do you know if you're really in love? What does it feel like?" Another post-teen: "Okay, imagine you got dumped, and you're all depressed, and then you go home, and get food poisoning and are nauseous, barfing your guts out, and breaking out in hives. It's the exact opposite of that."

Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.

I like speaking truth to power, but I don't like when it speaks back.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

There is a delicious irony in seeing private jets flying into Washington D.C. and people coming off them with tin cups in their hands.

I don't know about you, but I have totally stopped worrying about terrorist attacks. Now I'm only afraid of bankers with new ideas.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The police in our society do a good job, but unless a policeman is standing next to you, you are pretty much on your own. Do this simple exercise: Go lie on your bed and look at the clock. Imagine that a couple of punks just kicked in your door. Now, stare at the clock for a full five minutes. Even if you somehow manage to call 911 and get an operator, you will quickly realize that the best that any police department can do is to draw a chalk line around your body, unless you personally take action.

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.

Two types of people laugh at the law; those who break it and those who make it.

A 16 oz. Starbucks French Roast with a double shot of espresso, a 20 oz. Mountain Dew, and a Red Bull Cola. Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

As a general rule, wherever you find a large group of people who are baffled by complexity, you will find a smaller group of people making a good living screwing them. It's true with all complex things: insurance, cell phone plans, legal stuff, technology, you name it.

Worrying comes from predicting the future on a straight line, imagining trouble increasing at some established pace. But the real future comes in leaps and bounces, with creative solutions expanding faster than problems. I believe this is some sort of fundamental law of the universe, that solutions will always outpace problems. Take a deep breath. You're going to be fine. Someone, somewhere, just thought of an idea that will fix everything. And you couldn't stop it if you tried."

Age is not measured by years. Nature does not equally distribute energy. Some people are born old and tired while others are going strong at seventy.

No people ever recognize their dictator in advance. He never stands for election on the platform of dictatorship. He always represents himself as the instrument [of] the Incorporated National Will. ... When our dictator turns up you can depend on it that he will be one of the boys, and he will stand for everything traditionally American. And nobody will ever say 'Heil' to him, nor will they call him 'Führer' or 'Duce.' But they will greet him with one great big, universal, democratic, sheeplike bleat of 'O.K., Chief! Fix it like you wanna, Chief! Oh Kaaaay!

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow."

October is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

US financial markets increasingly resemble those in China. In both Shanghai and New York, the rule is "Privatize the profits and socialize the losses."

To understand our budget, you need to picture a handful of greedy people with a really huge pie. Everyone wants more than their share, so... You need more pie.

Your Constitution will never fail you, but your leaders will. Be wary of anyone who tries to convince you that it's the other way around.

One reason you should not use web applications to do your computing is that you lose control. It's just as bad as using a proprietary program. Do your own computing on your own computer with your copy of a freedom-respecting program. If you use a proprietary program or somebody else's web server, you're defenseless. You're putty in the hands of whoever developed that software.

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.

Warning: Flagrant waste, conspicuous consumption, and public displays of greed, promiscuity and substance abuse/dependence have become, not only socially acceptable, but fashionable. Social upheaval will follow soon. Please save your assets now.

Beware politicians who peddle fables that cast themselves as the heroes.

If you do enough small things right, big things happen.

Watching the way politicians act makes you long for the respect and self-control of the Sopranos.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

Thinking isn't agreeing or disagreeing. That's voting.

Wars are not made by generations and their special stupidities; wars are made instead by something ignorant in the human heart.

Anybody can become angry; that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way -- that is not within everybody's power; that is not easy.

Medicine is not science. It's good guesswork, based on science.

If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time.

An amateur will train until they get it right. A professional will train until they can't get it wrong.

Yes, I am THAT person. The person who keeps a red pen handy when reading a book.

Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.

The sound system in the Arco Arena was like four winos farting in a steel drum.

There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.

Let no person say what they would or would not do, since we are not judges for ourselves until circumstances call us to act.

Many men have been carried to the cemetery with honor guards and rifle salutes who, if the truth be known, knew their missions were not worth the price but went anyway. Many, many of our honored dead were dissenters. What makes no sense at all is when the [President] expects us civilians to support his ... policy as a way of "supporting our troops." The troops are not mercenaries, they are American soldiers in a long proud tradition... and what gives their mission dignity and meaning is that it comes from a constitutional government in which war is not a point of personal privilege but a matter to be openly debated, opposed, protested, reported. For the troops to fall into line is a noble thing; for civilians to fall into line is shameful.

As far as I know, there will be no more unplanned surprises this week. -A project manager, probably best left nameless

I am so far behind on e-mail that I am declaring bankruptcy. If you've sent me an e-mail (and you aren't my wife, partner, or colleague), you might want to send it again. I am starting over.

My son's old department name: Information Security. The new one: Enterprise Information Security Operational Incident Response Management Team

I know what I have given you. I do not know what you have received.

I've driven across a lot of bridges, but that doesn't mean I can build one.

"When an individual makes a copy of a song for himself, I suppose we can say he stole a song. Copying a song you bought is a nice way of saying 'steals just one copy.' "

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

If a sane dog fights a mad dog, it's the sane dog's ear that is bitten off.

That is not to say that verbal taboos have disappeared, but merely that they have shifted somewhat. In my youth, for example, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can say them, but you can't say "girl".

There must be a deceased LISP programmer somewhere whose gravestone contains a series of closed parentheses.

Don't ever assume the government is afraid to tell the big lie, because no one will ever call them on it if it's big enough.

But sad to feel, when youth has left us, That it was given us in vain, That its unnoticed flight bereft us And brought no harvest in its train.

The door of a bigoted mind swings outward; the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

Thought for the day, 1/23/2008: I wouldn't say the ship is sinking, but the mast is broken, we're very low on food and water, sharks are circling the boat, and the captain is insane.

No need to have any controversy about how to feed toilet paper; we all know the proper way: over the roll. Marriages may have ended over this controversy--because they didn't bother to ask me the correct way. I can resolve many controversies as long as I am consulted before things get out of hand.

Chaos, pandemonium, confusion - my work here is done.

This was the first holiday I had to enforce the "no texting at the table" rule. The kids looked at me like I was out of my mind.

To be a poet at twenty is to be twenty; to be a poet at forty is to be a poet.

Well, I've heard MSFT people speak of Outlook's ability to execute the way scientists talk about how a bumble bee can fly. It does it, but they don't really know how.

As I've gotten older I've started thinking more about the hereafter. Everywhere I go, when I get there, I think: "What did I come here after?"

I usually pick the data that works for me and point to the rest and say, "it's flawed".

In my opinion, explanations are overrated. Anything really worth experiencing in life defies explanation and description. Explain falling in love. Describe a fantastic steak dinner. Even if you could find the words to do the experience justice, the person you're explaining it to is left with the explanation, not the experience. Even worse, they now 'understand' something, and they're no longer curious or interested in the experience itself. Knowledge is a poor substitute for experience.

It is a fundamental tenet of the Republican Party that government ought not intrude in the private lives of individuals where no state purpose is served, and there is nothing more private or intimate than who you live with and who you love.

I don't know how the world has gotten so big and tough and ugly, and I don't think people really like it this way, but they don't know how to change it or stop it from spinning so fast.

Why does everything I whip leave me?

What people do in the privacy of their own lives as adults is their business. If they bring it into the public square and ask me as a taxpayer to support it or to endorse it, then it becomes a matter of public discussion and discourse.

Even if you have a million pieces of evidence, if all the evidence is inconclusive, you can't count it all up to make something conclusive.

Fortunately, anarchists don't need to apologize. Strangely enough though, we do feel compelled to pay parking tickets.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I think that's what the White House Press Secretary should get: barking orders. The president: "Here are your barking orders."

Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to a creator of human intelligence.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

I use cigar smoke as an idiot repellent.

Great events make me quiet and calm; it is only the trifles that irritate my nerves.

Never download and install programs of unknown provenance no matter how tempting. Always be suspicious of anything you receive in email and anything that comes unsolicited. Even if it's from someone you trust... If you didn't ask for it or you were unaware you needed it, don't download it and don't install it.

You can change political parties. You can change your hair color. You can even change your gender, but in New Haven, you don't change sides in the Sally's-Pepe's rivalry.

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car you're still pahying for, in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

The wise slavemaster always hires those with the lowest expectations. Hiring optimists is for fools; they invariably leave after the first beating.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

Imagination is important. Arguably, every major problem on earth can be attributed to a lack of imagination, or an excess. Terrorists have too much imagination about the afterlife. Our leaders have too little imagination about everything from energy policy to health. And the economy works only to the extent it rewards imagination in the form of innovation.

Everything I needed to know about reality I learned in high school physics:

  1. f=ma
  2. f=g*m1*m2/(r^2)
  3. v/r=i
  4. pv=k
Call me a fundamentalist, but I've yet to come across a situation that those couldn't get me out of.

Sometimes the best you can do is move the turd to another pocket.

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.

Who decides who's sane and not? The sane ones, of course, This explains a lot!

It is a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense.

In a marriage, turnabout might seem like fair play, but try it only at your mortal peril.

You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light.

The lesser of two evils is still evil.

Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side, but that's because they use more manure.

You know, the most amazing thing happened to me tonight. I was coming here, on the way to the lecture, and I came in through the parking lot. And you won't believe what happened. I saw a car with the license plate ARW 357. Can you imagine? Of all the millions of license plates in the state, what was the chance that I would see that particular one tonight? Amazing!

- Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; - Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there; - Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"

If you found a way to make pollution cure cancer, and donated the proceeds of that discovery to feed the hungry, someone would claim to have found your "hidden sinister and selfish motivation" for doing that.

In one of history's more absurd acts of totalitarianism, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission.

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

Angels on the sideline Baffled and confused, Father blessed them all with reason And this is what they choose?

If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all.

Anger gets a bad rap. It's the universal disguised denunciation ("Why are feminists so angry?"), the wink-and-nudge code word to signal contempt while fronting as pity for the deranged. That label gives those at whom the anger is directed a get-out-of- jail-free card to abandon the debate since anger is, in one fell swoop, deemed irrational. Neat trick that, changing the subject from the offense that provoked the response to a feigned disgust over the angry person's "unseemly" behavior.

In the DQ today, a urinal cover with a little black section. Turns out when you pee on it, it goes clear and reveals the writing underneath: "Does that come in an ADULT SIZE?" Clever, sort of, but not really what you'd expect to find at Dairy Queen.

I guess I wasn't going fast enough for her. The last thing I saw as she passed me was her one-finger salute out the back window, and her "Jesus Loves You" bumper sticker below the tailgate.

I love gizmos to death... but I want my gizmos to do what I want them to do, to serve me faithfully, and to let me control them the way I want to. Not that I'm a control freak or anything, it just bothers me that I can't stop people from saying that I am.

Has the sword of Isildur been reforged," she said, "or are thou just glad to see me?

Politicians are advocates. They minimize the other side of the argument and exaggerate the wisdom of their own side. This is a fancy way of saying they are liars. Thats how politics works. The best liar wins. As long as our choices are limited to liars, we'll keep electing them and wondering what went wrong.

When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?

If you've been in the game for 30 minutes, and you don't know who the patsy is, you're the patsy.

If you can't learn from experience you can't learn.

People who are pushy but sensitive get their feelings hurt. You have to say no to them, because they don't get it when you scratch your chin and say you'll think about it or wonder aloud if there isn't a better idea. They say there's no better idea than this, what's taking you so long, sign right here. You have to tell them no and that the word no you are using is the traditional word no and you are using it in the traditional sense of its meaning no. Or, as Albert Einstein replied when asked if he wanted some coffee: no. Know no, know peace. No no, no peace.

On free will: We would not consider it 'will' if it were completely random and we would not consider it 'free' if it were entirely determined.

Old English Majors never die, they just flail away in service of correct grammar.

Let's face it: the average computer user has the brain of a Spider Monkey.

When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected; only Here's the rub, my darling dear I feel the same when you are near.

My cousin Jonathan thinks he's God. He's not. But he did turn out to be a software programmer, though. So did all the other people I know who think they're God.

There's no point in arguing with a fool. It only wastes your breath and annoys the fool.

What if everyone did that? Am I deceiving myself in some way? Would someone whom I admire do such a thing?

Programmers don't know what a computer user wants because they spend their days interacting with machines. They hunch over keyboards, pecking out individual lines of code in esoteric programming languages, like medieval monks laboring over illustrated manuscripts.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Information being power, he who has the information has the power.

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone. Ah, those were the good ol' days.

I have to admit we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. You know you've botched it when people sympathize with lawyers.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

We made a great mistake in the beginning of our struggle, and I fear, in spite of all we can do, it will prove to be a fatal mistake. We appointed all our worst generals to command our armies, and all our best generals to edit the newspapers.

You get people who say "The government won't give me a grant and I can't do my art." I say: "F--- you, you expect the government to give you a hand? Do what it takes. You do baby-sitting jobs, you work in a factory or become a pickpocket, y'know? Get a job." Work is really good for an artist. ... Artists should work.

Networking: What happens when, for a as long as a moment, billions of things simultaneously fail to go wrong.

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.

Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive, because your words become your actions. Keep your actions positive, because your actions become your habits. Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your lifestyle. Keep your lifestyle positive, because your lifestyle becomes your destiny.

Oh, please! You're asking if guys would have sex with a robot? I wouldn't leave these guys alone with my toaster!

More than half of the wireless LAN devices being used at this week's RSA Conference on information security are themselves unsecured.

Everything you do will eventually be wrong. It's just a matter of when.

If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe, but not a personality.

Arguments don’t mean anything unless you first agree on the definitions. Semantics matter.

Stay here long enough and we'll beat that logical thinking right out of you!

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up, and the kind you make up.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Ireland was still Ireland, so we should not overemphasize the new unity of its culture. There was still plenty of tribal warfare: sometimes even monasteries took the field against one another. Tales of solitary ecstatics and madmen remained as abundant as ever, whether of Sweeney, the king who thought he was a bird and lived his life in treetops, or of Kevin of Glendalough, a sixth-century hermit who lived in a hole in the rock wall of a cliff, emerging in winter to stand for hours stark naked in the icy waters of the lough [lake] or in summer to hurl himself--again naked--into a bush of poisonous nettles.

That darn Venturi effect. It really sucks.

I bitch because it works!

It's easier to get forgiveness than to get permission.

For most people, the definition of smart is "Thinks exactly like me but even more so." If you think that disagreeing and offering excellent reasons for your thinking will change anyone’s mind, you might be new on this planet.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

Whatever happens on the Internet STAYS on the Internet.

Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.

Through technical expertise, customer service skills, and leveraging XXX Service Americas, I provide effective and timely solutions to customers while consistently meeting commitment and exceeding expectation. An advocate for XXX's Customers enabling timely access to XXX Services.

Wherever they burn books, they will also, in the end, burn people.

In West Michigan we actually have book burnings. The churches get together here and burn books like Harry Potter and other religions' bibles and anything the church deems not proper.

They say that one of the best ways to have a successful relationship is to "forgive and forget". You don't have to forgive what you can't remember. I can't remember anything for very long. I should be a saint by now.

Scientists have developed a powerful new weapon that destroys people but leaves buildings standing — it's called the 17% interest rate.

I don’t debate with advocates. An advocate says that everything is right about one position and everything is wrong about the other side. You might as well debate with a doorknob.

Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.

I am not surprised by anti-Americanism; but it is a foolish indulgence. For all their faults (and all nations have them) the US are a force for good; they have liberal and democratic traditions of which any nation can be proud. I sometimes think it is a good rule of thumb to ask of a country: are people trying to get into it or out of it? It's not a bad guide to what sort of country it is.

You won't get ahead if you don't plan ahead.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity.

Me: You should have been a social worker. Her: I am a social worker... in part... I live with you!

The simplest schoolboy is now familiar with facts for which Archimedes would have sacrificed his life.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note.

Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.

Never turn your back on people who take their pretending seriously.

Today's number: 355/113 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!

I'll be out of the office today. I twisted my back real good last week, either from the car accident, or from moving my son's huge bed downstairs, which actually put me through the drywall. I'm guessing that's the one that did it; I wish I had a video of that one. Today's lesson: Never be on the bottom side of a huge piece of furniture going down the stairs.

The perfect is the enemy of the good.

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

You can't fix a problem that's based on a hallucination until you're able to acknowledge the hallucination.

Young Israelis dream of being inventors, and their role models are the Israeli innovators who made it to the Nasdaq. Hezbollah youth dream of being martyrs, and their role models are Islamic militants who made it to the Next World. Israel spent the last six years preparing for Warren Buffett, while Hezbollah spent the last six years preparing for this war. ...Once again, in the Arab world, the past buries the future.

"Who do you think you are, Stirling Moss?"

Cassingham's Law: the moment you compare yourself to Christ, you've lost the high ground.

Q: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? A: The NSA knows!

When problems cease, so do opportunities. Solving problems was the reason you were hired. Jobs with few problems don't pay very much.

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I really think the bear actually showed quite a bit of kindness in the way she mauled me.

Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?

Buying a house is a process wherein you walk about holding your wallet open and people periodically come around, reach in, and take whatever they want.

Big ideas cannot survive contact with politicians unbruised.

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."

It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories instead of theories to suit facts.

Some people see the hand of God operating in their lives. Others see only the finger.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The mathematical sciences particularly exhibit order, symmetry, and limitation; and these are the greatest forms of the beautiful.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What A Ride"!

It's not who you are inside that defines you, it's what you do.

Milford, Mich. -- The most popular item on the menu at the Milford Baking Co. these days is the 95-cent "Hoffa cupcake," featuring a green plastic hand reaching up through chocolate icing and candy sprinkles designed to resemble earth.

The ability to make a backdoor once you've obtained full system access is not a vulnerability. It is true that you shouldn't let untrusted people into your house unsupervised, but the reason why is not that they could then unlock the door from the inside and get in.

It takes a particular kind of nerve to be filmed taking $US100,000 ($133,000) in alleged bribe money out of an FBI informant's car, have the FBI later find the very same money wrapped in foil in your freezer - and then adamantly claim that you have done nothing wrong.

They said I was the fighter who got knocked down the most, but I also got up the most.

The San Jose Mercury News said, "The bald spot on the back of his head is marching toward the bald spot on the front of his head like Patton toward Montgomery."

Men will research, speak with friends and co-workers, and research on the Internet. A woman will read the instructions.

Seen on a wall of an Emergency Operations Center: First Action In An Emergency: CALL 9-1-1. First Action In A Catastrophe: You're on your own!

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.

"Some scientists and legislators said the [WHITE HOUSE/FEDERAL AGENCY]'s statement about [SUBJECT] demonstrated that politics had trumped science" ought to be a Word macro.

Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 8 bits--byte, 4 bits--nybble, 2 bits--shayve and a hayrcut. Jobs don't kill programmers. Programmers kill jobs. What goes "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"? A parroty error.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Connecticut is a group of suburbs interconnected with winding roads that seemingly make no sense.

You tend to pick up a lot of colds when you work with little children or, as we call them, petri dishes.

Planning is an unnatural process; it is more fun to do something. The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by worry & depression.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.

Once upon a time a man whose ax was missing suspected his neighbor's son. The boy walked like a thief, looked like a thief, and spoke like a thief. But the man found his ax while digging in the valley, and the next time he saw his neighbor's son, the boy walked, looked and spoke like any other child.

People place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution; they don't put their hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.

The world has achieved brilliance without wisdom, power without conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we know about living.

A wretched debasement of all the pretenses of civilization." and asserted that: "Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them, must share the guilt for the dead." and "With the monstrous weapons man already has, humanity is in danger of being trapped in this world by its moral adolescents."

Emergency conditions are NOT a good time for R&D.

He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.

It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken. -Frank Perdue It takes a pervert to make a chicken tender.

A lot of problems can be chalked up to user error but we all need to face the fact that users do not click No. People are conditioned to just click Yes/Ok/Next no matter what; even when they know better.

CBS presented him with a can of worms, then loaned him a can opener.

You measure a Real Computer by weight and by current it draws. A Real Computer is measured in tons and amps. A Real Computer will weigh at least a ton and suck down enough juice to baroque a rhino. We're talking python cables, raised floors, haylon dumps, and explosive bolt firing power supplies. Real Computers are feared by mere mortals and even the experienced wizard approaches with respect. Real Computers have disk drives the size of washing machines. When a Real Computer is plugged in the lights dim. Real Computers don't get turned off, just rebooted every few years. The docs for Real Computers come on palet jacks and have been known to kill whole forests.

I'd expected this, but this wasn't what I'd expected.

It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.

Freedom is that instant between when someone tells you to do something and when you decide how to respond.

It is true that at the ports run by the Dubai company, Customs officers would continue to do any inspection of cargo containers and the Coast Guard would remain "in charge" of port security. But, again, very few cargo inspections are conducted. And the Coast Guard merely sets standards that ports are to follow and reviews their security plans. Meeting those standards each day is the job of the port operators: they are responsible for hiring security officers, guarding the cargo and overseeing its unloading.

Cuba, Indonesia, Kuwait, Lebanon, Republic of Korea, Malaysia, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Syria and Yemen (Countries That Don't Recognize Israel). Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, and Pakistan (Countries that recognize The Taliban)

Work is not an end in itself; there must always be time enough for love.

I always wanted to meet the governor, but not like this.

We [InfoSec professionals] are accused of being like the madman on the street corner who is waving a dead chicken around his head. "Why are you doing that?" people ask. "To keep the flying elephants away." "But," people protest, "there are no flying elephants." "See?" he responds in triumph. "It works!"

I am going to fly fast jets, drive fast cars, and go out with fast men.

If you understand it, it is not God.

I think a world-wide campaign to find a cure for lack of sense of humor would go a long way toward making the world safer.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

90 (mph) is just a number!

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.

If you can't change the world, change your acronym.

Travis McGee lives. I'm convinced of it. Moored forever at Slip F-18 in the Bahia Mar Marina is a 52-foot houseboat called The Busted Flush. And if you drive Route A1A on a lonely night, and if the moon is just right and the road is quiet, you might get a glimpse of a blue Rolls Royce truck. Its name is Miss Agnes, and behind the wheel, a tall determined man has got a packet of business cards in his pocket that say "Salvage Consultant". He's headed out to salvage the last thread of hope for some worthy soul; he will recover what no one else can get. Believe it. Your world will be a better place if you do.

I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the finger in their face and say you helped this [9/11] happen.

The lonesome tones of Willie Nelson rise on the Texas air and roll off into the darkness, making the odd deer feel unaccountably maudlin and causing lone jackrabbits to be overcome by a sudden desire to sink a whiskey and cry into the empty glass.

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Marie-Antoinette never said "Let them eat cake." The phrase was first penned by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, years before Marie-Antoinette ever came to France; he was describing another foreign-born French queen, Marie-Therese of Spain, who was the wife of Louis XIV.

Climate specialist Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today, forecasting six more weeks of hacker attacks...

This user has been locked in the trunk of a 1980 Cadillac along with his PC and has been driven up and down a very bumpy road for several hrs and we believe that the problem is now resolved.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

The squeaky wheel gets replaced.

Spammers are God's creatures too, just like cockroaches and the HIV virus.

The founders of our country faced dire threats. If they failed in their endeavors, they would have been hung as traitors. The very existence of our country was at risk. Yet in the teeth of those dangers, they insisted on establishing the full Bill of Rights. Is our Congress today in more danger than were their predecessors when the British army was marching on the Capitol?

A year ago, 19 Russian parliamentarians, mainly from the communist and nationalist Rodina [Motherland] parties, joined 500 scholars and public figures to sign an open letter calling on the public prosecutor to investigate all Jewish organizations as "extremist" groups based on the familiar argument that their conspiratorial activities are the main cause of anti-Semitism.

Peter Fellgett's generic recipe: "Place the dry ingredients into a clean bowl. Add liquids as appropriate. Stir thoroughly and cook until done."

The likelihood that I will ever buy from you is inversely proportional to the amount of advertising from you.

That's always been one of my least favorite excuses: "Everybody does it." You can't find a mother who will let her 5-year-old get away with that, but politicians often whip it out as though it held moral water.

No human institution is ever going to remain perfect. They have to be watched and adjusted like any other mechanism. Why use that as a defeatist excuse for doing nothing at all?

There are those who argue that everything breaks even in this old dump of a world of ours. I suppose these ginks who argue that way hold that because the rich man gets ice in the summer and the poor man gets it in the winter things are breaking even for both. Maybe so, but I'll swear I can't see it that way.

Frugalhorn (n): An ancient, and very inexpensive, New England brass instrument.

She describes herself as "USL" (Unix as a second language) but remembers enough English to write books and buy groceries.

1MB of RAM for the HP3000 Series III minicomputer cost $64,000 in 1980 (roughly $180,000 in today's currency). As I write this article at the end of November [2005], a cost comparison on the Web shows 1MB RAM (in 1GB chipsets) costing about 12 cents or less. That's a 56% reduction in price per megabyte per year compounded over 25 years. Similarly, the 1980 HP7925 120MB disk drive cost $25,000 (about $75,000 in today's money). Today, if you could find a 120MB drive at all (much too small to be useful), it would cost about 6 cents (based on the $200 price of a 400GB Western Digital internal hard drive). That's a 57% reduction in price per MB per year compounded over 25 years.

The gift shop and museum at the Alamo, in San Antonio, Texas, has a display entitled "The Evolution of the Bowie Knife." I would have thought the Bowie knife was more the product of intelligent design.

The guy [Pat Ropbertson] is a fruit loop with a lot of little loops right behind him thrilled to hear him say what they are thinking.

British coffee is just toasted milk!

There is no proposition more dangerous to the health of a constitutional democracy than the notion that an elected head of state is above the law and beyond the reach of judicial review.

Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the President.

To Err is Human... To Forgive is not our Policy.

We all know what happened to early union organizers and the pioneers of the NAACP....sad to think of how much time and effort these people lost in having to battle that evil Roman named Status Quo.

Ankh if you love Isis.

It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.

The FBI is letting everyone know that it is not a spammer, that it is not the one sending out e-mail messages that say the FBI is monitoring your Internet use. The FBI is not denying that it's monitoring your Internet use - just denying that it would actually tell you about it in e-mail.

To question your government is not unpatriotic to not question your government is unpatriotic.

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs, Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers, French, and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and it is all organized by the Italians.

From my neighbor across the street from me: "You know..... if it's got tires, tits, or a CPU you're going to have trouble."

The police are feeling somewhat upbeat because the rioting is now only in about 215 towns and only 1,173 cars were burned last night.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Democrats are better lovers. Who ever heard of getting a good peice of elephant?

Unix was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things because that would stop you from doing clever things.

Now is the time for all good men to come to.

As soon as your company starts using Outlook, you can see emergent, horrible, almost biological things start to happen.

Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.

There are studies going on right now in the Congo demonstrating that gorillas--Gorillas!--are making and using tools. And the boss can't figure out how to use his voicemail.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

Anderson claims she was contacted by the RIAA's Settlement Support Center, which acknowledged she was probably innocent. But they told her she should settle because the RIAA would proceed with a suit against her anyway "to discourage others from attempting to defend themselves against unwarranted litigation."

There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.

I've put my foot in my mouth so many times I've got athletes tongue.

The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe with blood for centuries.

A modest proposal: I suggest that Sun Microsystems be put in charge of all Government secrets. Nobody would ever get any useful information until long after it had ceased being relevant.

Brian Porter, embezzler, endorsed checks for $90,299.77 last year . For nine months he played the daily double, sipped dry martinis, dallied with expensive prostitutes, flew first class from city to city, and spent the rest foolishly.

Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

There's nothing wrong with falling asleep at the keyboard. Unless, of course, you happen to be the soloist.

I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians because they are not very Christ-like."

Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Farkas's corollary to Freeman's Commentary Religion postulates that you can understand or influence the game.

When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom!

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Love is blind, but divorce is an eye-opener!

I felt myself entering a strange place when I read a Reagan appointee using [Karl] Marx to critique free traders on Labor Day.

What President Bush really means when he extols "sacrifice," as it manifests in his policies: Sacrifice is not to be asked of others, or shared for the common good; it is something that is endured by those who simply can't get out of the way.

After the massive deaths, the near-total destruction, the complete failure to provide security, the widespread looting, and snail-paced response by the Bush Administration, we could rebuild New Orleans. Or we can just rename it New Baghdad.

What twisted logic: with no W.M.D., no link to 9/11 and no democracy, now we have to keep killing people and have our kids killed because so many of our kids have been killed already? Talk about a vicious circle: the killing keeps justifying itself.

What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.

Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines.

"Like a frightened turtle..."

Q: How many database programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to write a program insuring that no one else changes the bulb at the same time.

"...and then the press comes in with their predeceived ideas..."

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?

GOTO !!!

Knowledge becomes wisdom only after it has been put to practical use.

There are no answers, only cross references.

Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what does exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.

Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.

A friend stopped by earlier today, and noticed my three cats sitting on the front stoop. He then remembered that I only have two cats. When he got closer, the rabbit ran away... I've got strange cats!

"Hello. [Technician] speaking. I read the manuals so you don't have to." Later... "It's a little-known fact, but e-mail servers were the tenth plague that God visited upon the Egyptians..."

You've got this somewhat feared ruler of a nation of several million people, and he's sitting in a bunker somewhere in Iraq. After several direct strikes at bunkers where he was supposedly sitting at the time, he's either dead or alive. At the same time, if you talk to the right people, he's neither dead nor alive and both dead and alive. At some point, US forces will open the bunker, and as of that moment he will suddenly have been either dead or alive the whole time. It took billions of dollars, but the US Government has finally created a real life example that can be used to demonstrate the multiple states of Schroedinger's Cat. And the best part is that the experiment can be easily reproduced. With, say, Geraldo.

Shame on Newsweek for accepting unverified information from dubious sources and acting on this misinformation. Who do they think they are - Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld?

Us Chinese have been known to be inscrutable, which a friend has defined as "cannot be screwed", but I digress...

We are arguing in a fact-free environment now.

The less we know the more they fabricate.

These people are so sure of the truth that they don't let the facts get in the way.

What possible reason could a government sponsored educational system have for nurturing political critical thinking?

Your life's not worth a taco dinner!

I have to go now! It's almost 4:30, and I have to debug a program and get dinner ready by 5:00!

When words fail and garbage dumped on the bed becomes your preferred medium of communication, it's usually a sign that you've reached a significant crisis in the relationship.

The combination of alcohol and roller skates, while amusing, is not very practical.

The Democrats' mistake was in thinking that a disastrous war, national bankruptcy, erosion of liberties, corporate takeover of government, environmental destruction, squandering our economic and moral leadership in the world, and systematic Administration lying would be of concern to the electorate. The Republicans correctly saw that the chief concern of the electorate was to keep gay couples from having an abortion.

I've gotten more VIPs into tights and codpieces than anyone else in this country.

Since I've stopped drinking, I can't find anything on T.V. worth watching.

If the whole human race lay in one grave, the epitaph on its headstone might well be: "It seemed a good idea at the time."

You are much too young to remember the newsreel clips of Hitler's celebrations. They were just like the inauguration: grandiose stage setting with the national flag draped everywhere; adoring mobs shouting in unison; blood stirring speeches full of ideology but empty of any specific intent. We had it all except for goose stepping troops. We used to laugh and make fun of Bush, but now I fear him. Otherwise all is well. Much love, Dad

One day we must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek, but that it is a means by which we arrive at that goal. We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means.

I'm attracted to women Like moths to the flame. It's been my experience The result is the same.

Is there a book called "Reading For Dummies"?

Damn you! And your lobster, too!

The best defense is not to fight at all. If a fight can be avoided, everyone wins. That's the best fighting tip I can give to anyone.

Noli turbare circulos meos! ("Don't upset my calculations!")

Just once, I'd like to go to a party and not be set on fire.

The larger the mob, the harder the test. In small areas, before small electorates, a first-rate man occasionally fights his way through, carrying even the mob with him by force of his personality. But when the field is nationwide, and the fight must be waged chiefly at second and third hand, and the force of personality cannot so readily make itself felt, then all the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the most devious and mediocre, the man who can most easily adeptly disperse the notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum. The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.

An old error is always more popular than a new truth.

Considering all the controversy likely to be generated this year over numerous voting-related issues, perhaps 1996 was the last national election the U.S. has had that will not be decided by the courts.

Kinky and kooky are sisters that always travel together. You can't date kinky without getting kooky. Kinky can be grand, but those are the rules.

I and the public know what all schoolchildren learn, Those to whom evil is done do evil in return.

[The U.S. Presidential debate is] starting to look like the movie within the movie in Goldmember. Bright and shiny people, with clever lines, pretending to be important. Too bad it's real.

It isn't the Net that drives kids into isolation or creates lonely kids; the Net attracts lonely and ignored kids and puts them in touch with others like them. ... Such kids don't suffer alone anymore. They tell their stories to one another almost continuously... these kids go to school, do homework, and sleep in their beds every night. But in their hearts and €souls they dwell in the geek nation. And ignorance of that world is dangerous, sometimes putting both its citizens and society at peril.

No one seems to think that peer abuse [in schools] is real or damaging. I would like to see any adult report for work and be taunted, humiliated, harassed, and degraded every single day without going stark, raving mad. Human beings are not wired for abuse.

My children can best be described by their approach to laundry: [Child One] Will take care of his own laundry as needed. [Child Two] Will find a woman to do it for him. [Child Three] Will wear dirty clothes. [Child Four] Will happily go naked.

As if my day weren't weird enough: "You have a lovely little uterus!"

An unprotected PC tossed on the Internet will become infected by a worm within 20 minutes, down from 40 minutes only a year ago. 2/2/2007: According to my son, who works in a NOC, this time is down to 12 minutes. The average time for a typical PC to download WindowsXP SP2 is 15 minutes. You will probably now get a malware infection faster than you can download the fix for it.

As most animals rarely practice contraception, Catholicism would seem a natural fit. Certainly parrots and other imitative birds would enjoy the constant repetition of the mass. And the crackers. But Catholicism is particularly well suited to dogs, as the laying on of hands, if played right, could often lead to an epiphanal scratch of the belly. Despite of the obvious word within a word-play, however, most cats make poor Catholics as they refuse to feel guilt and it's almost impossible to get them to kneel.

Of this I am quite sure, if we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find that we have lost the future.

Every anger covers a wound.

[We've got] a bitterly contested presidential election two months away and the all-too-real prospect that voters--especially those backing the eventual loser--will not trust the announced results. If the Electoral College tally should come down to the margin of a single state that lacks the ability to conduct a full recount, we'll be fortunate if our democracy survives to sort it all out in time for 2008.

A real bottom-line analysis is that there are six statutes, reviews and independent audits that Las Vegas [gaming] machines must go through periodically, but not one for e-voting.   Wow.

Of course, there's no technology perfect enough to prevent its implementation under Windows from being really crummy.

Garrison Keillor: What was that chord you just played?

Where do we draw the line on this social engineering stuff? If I send an e-mail to someone telling them to flush their iPod down the crapper does that mean the iPod is vulnerable to a toilet attack?

You know, back in 2000 a Republican friend of mine warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally over stretched. You know what? I did vote for Al Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come true.

Turn that G*dda*ned lawn mower off, it's the Lord's day!

I'm against the "liar" label for two reasons. First, it further polarizes the political cesspool, and this polarization is making America increasingly difficult to govern. Second, insults and rage impede understanding.

Break the mirrors! Yes, indeed -- shatter the glass. In our society that is so self-absorbed, begin to look less at yourself and more at each other. Learn more about the face of your neighbor and less about your own.

To have courage for whatever comes in life-everything lies in that.

It's not my fault I'm biologically hardwired to want to have sex all the time. I will, however, take responsibility for wanting to have sex with cartoon characters all the time.

When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that in itself is a choice.

I can think of no president in my lifetime (including Clinton and Nixon) who struggles so much to say so little.

There are people who reshape the world by force or argument, but the cat just lies there, dozing; and the world quietly reshapes itself to suit his comfort and convenience.

Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.

What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others.

Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

The saying is that this country was founded by geniuses so it could be run by idiots and it often seems we've reached that pass.

People who exercise their embryonic freedom day after day, little by little, expand that freedom. People who do not will find that it withers until they are literally 'being lived.' They are acting out scripts written by parents, associates, and society.

An occupation of Iraq would have incurred incalculable human and political costs....there was no viable exit strategy....had we gone the invasion route, the United States could conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land.

Listen, are we helpless? Are we doomed to do it again and again and again? Have we no choice but to play the Phoenix in an unending sequence of rise and fall? Assyria, Babylon, Egypt, Greece, Carthage, the Empires of Charlemagne and the Turk. Ground to dust and plowed with salt. Spain, France, Britain, America-- burned into the oblivion of the centures. And again and again and again. Are we doomed to it, Lord, chained to the pendulum of our own mad clockwork, helpless to halt its swing?

Religious factions will go on imposing their will on others unless the decent people connected to them recognize that religion has no place in public policy. They must learn to make their views known without trying to make their views the only alternative.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

It turns out the evil we fight is the shadow of the evil we do.

Life is never so bad at its worst that it is impossible to live; it is never so good at its best that it is easy to live.

Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel in order to be tough.

Torture? Stripped naked and handcuffed to a bed with womens' panties over their heads? I've been to parties like that!

Has it ever occurred to anyone else how much money could be saved if we just let the Jehovah's Witnesses deliver the mail?

If fresh baked bread had eyes and lips I would ask it to marry me.

What experience and history teach is this: that people and governments have never learned anything from history.

Solitude vivifies; isolation kills.

Cruel words erode the self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Courage is rarely reckless or foolish. Courage usually involves a highly realistic estimate of the odds that must be faced.

Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them.

I am a nocturnal student who is happy and peppy and going to Germany!

Types of Dancers: Beginning dancer: Knows nothing. Intermediate dancer: Knows everything, too good to dance with beginners. Hotshot dancer: Too good to dance with anyone. Advanced dancer: Dances everything, especially with beginners.

Beware the 12-division strategy for a 10-division Army.

A massive casualty-producing event might cause our population to question our own Constitution and begin to militarize our country.

Secrecy – the first refuge of incompetents – must be at bare minimum in a democratic society, for a fully informed public is the basis of self-government. Those elected or appointed to positions of executive authority must recognize that government, in a democracy, cannot be wiser than the people.

Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.

The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.

We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.

You can chase a butterfly all over the field and never catch it. But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder.

If everyone is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking.

When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.

I believe that when a windshield wiper blade is designed, it is mandatory that the designer include a flaw in the blade. This flaw must manifest itself no later than two weeks after the blade is purchased, and it must be located approximately two-thirds of the way to the end of the blade. The resulting streak must occur exactly at the driver's eye level, and be wide enough to cause profound aggravation. I have never had a set of windshield wiper blades that did not contain this flaw.

Happy zombie Christ day!

Poor Sharon: she just threw up on register 16!

Everywhere in my odyssey through the world of body armor, salesmen mentioned satisfied customers. It was the unsatisfied customers I worried about.

Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Everybody likes to get as much power as circumstances allow, and nobody will vote for a self-denying ordinance." As well as: "The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities." And a lot of other great stuff.

Dotty could not be the thief. Her baby-conscience was rather tough and elastic, and I suppose she would have felt no more scruples about nibbling nice things, than an unprincipled little mouse. -This was the text of a SPAM I got today. Of course, I did not bother opening it; I have no idea what it was advertising, but I like the quote from

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Is the best car a Toyota Prius, Motor Trend's 2004 car of the year, Jeff Gordon's NASCAR #24, the Thrust SSC (fastest wheeled vehicle) or the Toyota Corolla (best selling car of 2004)? (That was a trick question; it is in fact the 1953 Nash-Healey.)

[Mike Mignola and I] both believe that anything you want to learn about people, you can learn from monster movies, and anything about monsters, you can learn from the evening news.

The gal needs a checkup from the neck up!

How doth the VAX's C compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear their clothes to rags.

Our new goal is to "organize all the useful information in the universe and serve it to you on a lightly salted cracker."

Life is short. Live it up.

Our earth is degenerate in these latter days; bribery and corruption are common; children no longer obey their parents; and the end of the world is evidently approaching.

It's 4:37 am ... about the hour that inanimate objects become hostile...

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Stranger thing have happened... but not often.

In a time of drastic change, it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.

However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.

Governing the U.S. is like playing 200 simultaneous chess matches while whiny columnists second-guess every move on every board.

"The United Nations peacekeeping force could hamper the war effort."

Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things.

When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The leader adjusts the sails.

It's funny that no one has brought up the fundamental reason for governments and laws: to prevent people causing harm to others and punish those who do. Child marriage and incest cause obvious harm (polygamy could be argued, but I think that's a pretty strong case too). Gay marriage harms no one and benefits some. Where are the libertarians?

Mr. Bush continues to imply that we should be scared because we're not safe, so we need to keep him to protect our national security. Which seems like a weird contradiction. If he's so good at protecting us, why aren't we safe?

Clause 8 of Yahoo's Original Terms of Service: Yahoo does not own Content you submit, unless we specifically tell you otherwise before you submit it. You license the Content to Yahoo as set forth below for the purpose of displaying and distributing such Content on our network of properties and for the promotion and marketing of our services. By submitting Content to any Yahoo property, you auto- matically grant, or warrant that the owner of such Content has expressly granted, Yahoo the royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable, non-exclusive and fully sublicensable right and license to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, perform and display such Content (in whole or part) worldwide and/or to incorporate it in other works in any form, media, or technology now known or later developed.

Wear the old coat and buy the new book.

Keep the coat and go to the library.

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.

The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough.

He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.

How evil are you?:
IBM: 42% evil, 58% good
AT&T: 48% evil, 52% good
Enron: 50% evil, 50% good
Comcast: 50% evil, 50% good
Microsoft: 60% evil, 40% good
The Democrats: 43% evil, 57% good
The Republicans: 29% evil, 71% good
The White House: 20% evil, 80% good
The Bible Gateway: 10% evil, 90% good
The Vatican: 1% evil, 99% good
The Gematriculator: Sorry, an error occurred: Recursive gematriculation messes with the fabric of the universe itself and cannot be allowed. The ratings above were obtained by having the Gematriculator evaluate their primary web sites. Kinda scary, huh? Also, note that copying the entire contents of the Gematriculator into a buffer, pasting it into the text box, and then evaluating it results in a rating of 30% evil, 70% good. I have messed with the very fabric of the universe itself. Go me!

These are the times in which a genius would wish to live. It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

As night fall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains seemingly unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air, however slight, lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

In an earlier post I said, "But science can't explain *why* we're here. It just came to me that George Carlin *does* have the answer to why we're here: to invent plastic. The earth couldn't make plastic on its own, so it created us. Now that we've fulfilled our mission the earth can shake us off like a bad case of fleas. Pack your bags, folks, we're leaving.

Okay, you're right, I went to the Dark Side, but only to pick up a few things.

Someone should give him a gift of a set of keys to a Corvair and let him drive off into the sunset.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

The girls in body-form slacks wander the High Street with locked hands while small transistor radios sit on their shoulders and whine love songs in their ears. The younger boys, bleeding with sap, sit on the stools of Tanger's Drugstore ingesting future pimples through straws. They watch the girls with level goat-eyes and make disparaging remarks to one another while their insides whimper with longing.

When we got into office, the thing that surprised me most was to find that things were just as bad as we'd been saying.

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.

Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

When you're going through hell, keep going; it's a bad neighborhood to stop in.

We lay it down as a fundamental, that laws, to be just, must give a reciprocation of right; that, without this, they are mere arbitrary rules of conduct, founded in force, and not in conscience.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

Welcome to backstage, where high tech collides with lowlifes.

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

Panic is my muse.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

The test of out progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much, it is whether we provide enough for those who have little.

- A rich nation is a country that has pipes in the ground. - The reason we have so much political corruption is that we have a representative government.

A Jason Rainbow Thought: Many of us believe that wrongs aren't wrong if it's done [sic] by nice people like ourselves.

I confess that in 1901 I said to my brother Orville that man would not fly for fifty years.

Many an argument is won on the facts and lost on the cause.

If you get a lot done but it's wrong, there wasn't much point in doing it.

There are times, young fellah, when every one of us must make a stand for human right and justice, or you never feel clean again.

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.

Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.

It's the most unhappy people who most fear change.

Likely as not, the child you can do the least with will do the most to make you proud.

You can beat the rap, but not the ride.

It is in the nature of tyranny to deride the will of the people as the voice of the mob, and to denounce the cry for freedom as the roar of anarchy.

If your name isn't Mary, and you didn't have unprotected sex with a guy called James the other night, what on earth are you doing even thinking of opening the attachment?

The reality is that condoms no more cause sex than umbrellas cause rain.

Security is easier to implement when it doesn't impact ease-of-use.

When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die.

You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.

No other technique for the conduct of life attaches the individual so firmly to reality as laying emphasis on work; for his work at least gives him a secure place in a portion of reality, in the human community.

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.

Everything should be as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Whatever you do, don't give up. Because all you can do once you've given up is bitch. I've known some great bitchers in my time. With some it's a passion, with others an art.

The truth is more important than the facts.

I wasn't alone! I had my hamster with me!

I'm sorry. I got off on a rant. I have no rant control.

Oceania is where I want to be, Oligarchy is the gov for me! Meeting Julia for carnal sin, Keep Eurasia... just give me that Victory Gin!

Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him.

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.

I can't drive at night because my wife can't see.

The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

"A sea of Q-Tip heads."

What worries you, masters you.

I love educators, but I hate teachers. And only teachers go to the convention.

This week has almost flattened me. Like Gumby meets steam roller.

President Bush came out with his Roadmap to Peace, and the Israelis took the first exit.

There is a substantial body of emerging fact here, none of it encouraging for optimists.

To mess up a Linux box, you need to work at it; to mess up your Windows box, you just need to work on it.

If you don't want the genie to come out don't rub the lamp.

I am an underhung disco queen who lovers to corner lizards.

We are not all capable of everything.

Do not do onto others as you would they should do onto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

The proverb warns that "You should not bite the hand that feeds you." But maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself.

It is better to go into a corner slow and come out fast than to go into a corner fast and come out dead.

If my daughter was raped and decapitated, I would be for the death penalty, but that doesn't make the death penalty right.

Remember: you are not selling your soul or committing yourself to a life of poverty. You already did that when you became a ham.

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, a wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."

To grow, you must be willing to let your present and future be totally unlike your past. Your history is not your destiny.

Network managers are reminded this week that Microsoft does not have a monopoly on security vulnerabilities (just a dominant market share).

There by the grace of God stands a lump of stone so painstakingly and artfully rendered, its IQ is all but indistinguishable from its inspiration.

Perhaps as an exercise in zero-tolerance they [schools] should dispense with the alphabet entirely. Someone in possession of one can find all sorts of unprotected speech in it.

I am committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President next year.

I scored a 47% on the "How Wes Are You?" Quizie. What about you?

Fun fact: The Tang Dynasty empress Wu Hou (who ruled 683-705 AD) insisted that all visiting dignitaries perform oral sex on her to pay homage.

I tell you: It's taken me such a long time to discover that I can know a lot of stuff for sure, without being right.

In its default setup, Windows XP on the Internet amounts to a car parked in a bad part of town, with the doors unlocked, the key in the ignition and a Post-It note on the dashboard saying, "Please don't steal this."

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

The Episcopal Church taught me that Jesus came to challenge, not just comfort; to overturn, not maintain; to love, not judge; to include, not cast aside.

We believe that love without justice is sentimentality.

I love our church because we don't think unity means uniformity.

Today is my eleventy-first birthday! I haven't done half of you half as often as I should like, and I've done less than half of you half as well as you deserve. But don't worry; I don't have anything contagious. So, with that, goodbye!

There are philosophies which are unendurable not because men are cowards, but because they are men.

There are many levels of reality. Each one more dangerous than the last, and each one more terrifying...

To assert that the earth revolves around the sun is as erroneous as to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin.

As scarce as truth is, the supply is always greater than the demand.

See the happy moron, he doesn't give a damn. I wish I were a moron... my God: perhaps I am!

The painting's created, and I'm just erasing A crystal-clear canvas is my masterpiece...

Cells in the human brains consume energy while processing (creating software), by converting the chemical energy from food into electrical and heat energy. Even while you are reading this paragraph, the cells in your brain are burning out the fuel and are using tiny amounts of energy. So STOP READING NOW !

The Ten Commandments should be posted in all courtrooms. And the U.S. Constitution should be glued onto Jesus' chest in every church in America.

Death is not good. I reject death. I will stay away from trucks today.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

It was a battle of an American against a German on French soil, where the Russians came in third and the French were nowhere to be seen.

I think the burden is on those people who think [Saddam Hussain] didn't have weapons of mass destruction to tell the world where they are.

I'm not against spontaneity! It's just that there's an appropriate time and a place for it!

The Bible did not arrive by fax from heaven.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Never ask a man where he's from. If he's from Texas, he'll tell you soon enough. If not, there's no need to embarrass him.

Freedom is always and exclusively freedom for the one who thinks differently.

I would sleep with it, but it's pointy! I want to have its children!

Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

If you want to play in our revolution, you have to live by our rules.

A straight line is the shortest in morals as in mathematics.

Bonehead award three, a "stupidest excuse in the world" bonehead award, goes to the New York City Board of Elections which has said they will not repair the city's 7,000 voting machines that were responsible for some estimated 60,000 lost votes in the 2000 presidential election, most of which would have gone to Democratic candidates, because, according to the Republican commissioner, most of those people whose votes were not counted never intended to have their votes count anyway but only came down to the polling places to make it look like they were doing their civic duty. And, says Republican commissioner Stephen Weiner, fixing the machines would therefore be tantamount to forcing people to vote against their will.

Our ignorance of history causes us to slander our own times.

Hell is in your head.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Re: The name of the character that is behind bars in the Monopoly board game is Jake the Jailbird. Okay, I know it might just be my family, which is, in and of itself, extraordinarily WEIRD, but we have always called the guy on Monopoly in the jail Uncle Albert, and if you were visiting jail, you were visiting "poor ole Uncle Albert" who got there because of his drinking problem. If you were actually IN jail, you WERE Uncle Albert, and subsequently, laughed at. It traumatized me... I still bear deep emotional scars from being Uncle Albert... ;_; -Katie

[A recent survey says that] orchestral musicians rated slightly below prison guards in job satisfaction. ... Orchestra musicians are an angry mob.

Buzz has bought this line of reasoning and as a result has cast a suspicious eye on the never-ending parade of vendors marching through here with filtering schemes. All claim to minimize false positives and some -- the few, the proud, the full of it -- claim to eliminate the risk altogether.

Every day I leash 'er up and let 'er run for about 25 minutes.

To write or to speak is almost inevitably to lie a little. It is an attempt to clothe an intangible in a tangible form; to compress an immeasurable into a mold. And in the act of compression, how Truth is mangled and torn!

He [White House press secretary Ari Fleischer] has started blurting out the truth, so maybe it is time for him to go.

There are a lot of things we wouldn't do if we'd just smell first.

I never met a petition that had an effect on public policy, because the general sense when I was in the legislature was that people would sign any petition without reading it. My favorite example was the time in the 80s when I was chairing the health committee and my staff organized a petition to convince then Governor O'Neill to put money into Lyme Disease (at the time a newly discovered condition). Over 10,000 people signed the petition, and it wasn't until after we had submitted the copies that we found the mistake: instead of stating that Lyme Disease was caused by "the bite of a deer tick," the petition declared that Lyme Disease was caused by "the bite of a deer." We decided to leave well enough alone, figuring the Governor's staff wouldn't notice it either (they didn't).

It isn't about the ideas being expressed, it's about respect for others in the exchange of ideas.

After much thought, prayer, and consultation, I have decided that I was being a horse's ass.

'RE: Jews for Jesus: I joined "Vegetartians for Hot Dogs" instead.'

Will driving while stoned- "Oh God, is that a cop? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh wait, it's just a mailbox."

Perfect order is the forerunner of perfect horror.

Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools talk because they have to say something.

Advice to children crossing the street: damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody."

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.

Colors are the deeds and sufferings of light.

You do not lead by hitting people over the head. That's assault, not leadership.

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed, and color, we would find some other causes for prejudice by noon.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities; an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.

Think for yourself and let others enjoy the privilege of doing so, too.

They got rid of the Blue Screen of Death. They replaced it with the desktop.

Yes, but think of the plusses. More kids could get away with making out by claiming "Oh, I was just giving her a Freedom Kiss! You wouldn't want to hinder her freedom, would you?" Ok, it's farfetched.. but I'd use it as an excuse if I were younger.

"We can chew gum and walk at the same time."

Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.

My relationship to sheep is a bit ambivalent now. I like them, but not when they come flying through the air.

The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.

BUSINESS: Fed reports economy still sluggish; duct tape sales among few high points

Diplomacy at work: "Shut up, you monkey! Curse be upon your mustache, you traitor!"

NOTE: Should you fail to support this program and continue to use it, a leather winged demon of the night will tear itself, shrieking blood and fury, from the endless caverns of the nether world, hurl itself into the darkness with a thirst for blood on its slavering fangs and search the very threads of time for the throbbing of your heartbeat. Just thought you'd want to know that.

"Police: Body Cavity Search Reveals Crack"

As of this writing, 15 men in the history of organized baseball have ever thrown a perfect game. Only one of those men did it half-drunk, with bloodshot eyes, monster breath and a raging, skull-rattling hangover. That would be me.

The Bush administration has a plan (those are rapidly becoming the six most chilling words in the English language)...

Nature never makes any blunders; when she makes a fool she means it.

Re: "On average, an American home has 3-10 gallons of hazardous materials." Come now, Gauher, no family drinks THAT much Mountain Dew.

I think it's time for lamb's blood on the office door.

You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again.

I heard on a news report of a pro-war demonstration the other day someone shouting something like "get Muslims!" Get Muslims? For what, introducing algebra to Europe?

Tthe world's longest work of non-fiction is "The Yongle Dadian", the 10,000-volume encyclopedia produced by 5,000 scholars over a period of 5 years during the Ming Dynasty in China.

Quite a number of people also describe the German classical author Shakespeare, as belonging to English literature, because -- quite accidentally born at Stratford-on-Avon -- he was forced by authorities of that country to write in English.

Regarding Teflon being the most slippery substance in the world, you've obviously never walked through a cow pasture in the rain.

LemonEye: I need to find an icon that personifies me, for a link to my webpage...but what?
Willi: A flower with teeth?

Any day you do not put your tongue on a [frozen] pump handle is a good day. ... Happiness lies in the small things.

Everyone knows no war goes as planned. Otherwise, both sides would always win.

I don't get no more chances. Next time I die I'm out. My nine lives are over.

Spiel Cheque is grate, but it's knot a cur awl. Yew still knead too no how too yews the write word.

The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

A small trouble is like a pebble. Hold it too close to your eye and it fills the whole world and puts everything out of focus. Hold it at a proper distance and it can be examined and properly classified. Throw it at your feet and it can be seen in its true setting, just one more tiny bump on the pathway of life.

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.

"[A fan will] scream from the 60th row of bleachers that you missed a marginal call in the center of the interior line," the ex-ref said of a heckler. "And then he won't be able to find his car in the parking lot."

Wind chill is if you're standing out there naked, and I don't see anyone out there naked. It's something weathermen use to scare the general public with.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

A liberal and a conservative were sitting in a bar. Then Bill Gates walked in. "Hey, we're rich!" shouted the conservative. "The average person in this bar is now worth more than a billion!" "That's silly," replied the liberal. "Bill Gates raises the average, but that doesn't make you or me any richer." "Hah!" said the conservative, "I see you're still practicing the discredited politics of class warfare."

Nicotine is one of the most powerful poisons known. Though we normally think in terms of arsenic and strychnine when the term "poison" comes up, the truth is that nicotine is far more deadly. The lethal dose of arsenic for a 150 pound adult is 200 mg., for strychnine 75 mg., but for nicotine only 60 mg. It can and does kill even in relatively small amounts. Those who wear nicotine patches must exercise great care about the disposal of their used patches lest children or pets come in contact with the seemingly "spent" aids and become deeply sickened or even possibly die.

Such is the state of life, that none are happy but by the anticipation of change: the change itself is nothing; when we have made it, the next wish is to change again.

Don't let your ego get too close to your position, so that if your position gets shot down, your ego doesn't go with it.

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Economic studies estimate that Project Apollo returned five to seven dollars to the United States' economy for every dollar invested in it.

The coffee was so bad I thought it was going to jump out of the cup and rob a bank.

Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught.

Lately I'm stupified. Something rancid in the air...chimpanzee turds.

In producers, loafing is productive; and no creator, of whatever magnitude, has ever been able to skip that stage, any more than a mother can skip gestation.

'"(Bush) is not elected as chief theologian," (Pat) Robertson told The Washington Times. True. In this administration, that's John Ashcroft's job.'

Fascism should more properly be called corporatism, since it is the merger of state and corporate power.

Aside from cynicism (which has been an almost infallible guide to administration environmental policy so far), how do I reach that conclusion?

Why should we ask our military to die for cheap oil when the rest of us aren't even being asked to get better mileage?

While the Internet was originally designed and configured to be survivable, its transformation to a commercial entity has caused it to become economically efficient at the expense of no longer being anywhere near as survivable.

Habaneros for breakfast make you see Jesus!

Some of my thoughts are so terrible that they make Jesus want to drink straight gin out of the cat's dish.

My masculinity needs tactile affirmation.

Owen! The neighbors are not your guinea pigs!

A problem well stated is a problem half solved.

Enjoyment is not a goal, it is a feeling that accompanies important ongoing activity.

If you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today.

"Get busy living, or get busy dying."

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.

There are two kinds of critics in life: those who criticize you because they want you to fail and those who criticize you because they want you to succeed. And people can smell the difference a mile away. If you convey to people that you really want them to succeed, they will take any criticism you dish out. If you convey that you really hold them in contempt, you can tell them that the sun is shining and they won't listen to you.

There are three sides to every story. Your side, my side, and the truth. And no one's lying.

The state can't give you free speech, and the state can't take it away. You're born with it, like your eyes, like your ears. Freedom is something you assume, then you wait for someone to try to take it away. The degree to which you resist is the degree to which you are free.

The condition upon which God hath given liberty to man is eternal vigilance.

I pledge on the altar of God undying hostility to any government restriction on the free minds of the people.

I feel strongly that the visual arts are of vast importance. Of course, I could be prejudiced. I am a visual art.

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.

They crowded up to Lenin with their noses worn off, A handshake is worthy if it's all that you've got.

Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.

No matter how cynical I get, I just can't keep up.

Is your cucumber bitter? Throw it away. Are there briars in your path? Turn aside. That is enough. Do not go on to say, 'Why were things of this sort ever brought into the world?'

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music. What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone? "I didn't wake up this morning..."

When the oak is felled the forest echoes with its fall, but a hundred acorns are sown silently by an unnoticed breeze.

I am an old man and have known many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Most of the clergy are, or seem to be, utterly incapable of discussing anything in a fair and catholic spirit. They appeal, not to reason, but to prejudice; not to facts, but to passages of Scripture. They can conceive of no goodness, of no spiritual exaltation beyond the horizon of their creed. Whoever differs with them upon what they are pleased to call "fundamental truths," is, in their opinion, a base and infamous man. To re-enact the tragedies of the sixteenth century, they lack only the power.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

"I saw the goat the next day--it did not seem too upset, but it's hard to tell."

Money is the mother's milk of politics.

What we know about Osama bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle."

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for office.

Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions.

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

That's called a "record". Back in the old days...

Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.

After blowing my vacation waiting for repairmen who never showed up, I gradually arrived at my Theory of Repairman Evolution: Repairmen evolved from cats. That's why they don't come when you call.

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."

While I agree it is weird for there to be a general feeling of relief for an accident over terrorism, as someone who lives in the Boston area, I feel a lot safer flying than driving around here - no matter how carefully. The drivers around here are far more life threatening. I had no fear of flying going to Germany last week, but I dread Boston drivers.

Patriotism seems to be falling to whoever claims it loudest. ... It's a fact of our culture that the loudest mouths get the most air play, and the loudmouths are saying now that in times of crisis it is treasonous to question our leaders. Nonsense. That kind of thinking let fascism grow out of the international depression of the 1930s. In critical times, our leaders need most to be influenced by the moderating force of dissent. That is the basis of democracy, in sickness and in health, and especially when national choices are difficult, and bear grave consequences. ... I would like to stand up for my flag and wave it over a few things I believe in, including but not limited to the protection of dissenting points of view.

Right now, I think every doctor in America has anthrax on the brain.

It's actually not that bad. You can tell what most of it is supposed to be.

Drugs don't work. Children work.

Experience teaches us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purpose is beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

"The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers."

Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff."

Journalism: A profession whose business is to explain to others what it personally does not understand."

Nothing you write, if you hope to be good, will ever come out as you first hoped.

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

SBC's assertion that cable Internet service slows down when web traffic is heavy is like saying that a Porsche in traffic is slower than a Yugo on a dirt road.

Laws are the spider's webs which, if anything small falls into them they ensnare it, but large things break through and escape.

"Mr Vimes is going to go completely bursar. He's going to go totally Librarian-poo."

Ask an engineer for the time and he'll tell you how to build a clock.

Last Words:
I'm going away tonight. -James Brown
Drink to me. -Pablo Picasso (1881-1973), Last words
Friends applaud, the Comedy is over. -Ludwig von Beethoven, Last words
Go away... I'm all right. -H. G. Wells (1866-1946), Last words
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough. -Karl Marx, Last words to his housekeeper
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-- -General John Sedgwick, Union commander in the Civil War, speaking his last words as he was watching enemy troops during the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.
Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -Oscar Wilde
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. -John Barrymore's dying words

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.

It's a lot easier to be a parent when you don't have kids.

"Reps. Dick Armey, Tom DeLay and J.C. Watts wrote Bush a letter calling stem-cell research 'an industry of death.' Funny, I've never heard any of them describe arms manufacturers that way."

You can't make people happy by law. If you said to a bunch of average people two hundred years ago "Would you be happy in a world where medical care is widely available, houses are clean, the world's music and sights and foods can be brought into your home at small cost, traveling even 100 miles is easy, childbirth is generally not fatal to mother or child, you don't have to die of dental abscesses and you don't have to do what the squire tells you" they'd think you were talking about the New Jerusalem and say 'yes'.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Remember: friends would help you hide. TRUE friends would help you hide the body.

I think I will stick with my garden after all--even the growth of weeds makes me tense these days.

Life is short, but sweet for certain.

The information you have is not what you want; the information you want is not what you need; the information you need is not what you can get; the information you can get costs more than you want to pay.

My experience tells me that in this complicated world the simplest explanation is usually dead wrong. But I've noticed that the simplest explanation usually sounds right and is far more convincing than any complicated explanation could hope to be.

There's a witch hunt going on, and he's wearing a pointed hat!

If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning "Good morning" at total strangers.

The only exercise I got all day was lifting my legs during the sexual harassment training at work!

In seeking wisdom, the first step is silence, the second listening, the third remembering, the fourth practicing, the fifth -- teaching others.

One of my basic rules for personal relationships is as follows: When A says, "If you invite B, I will not attend", say to A: "I'm so sorry. We will miss you."

You know, things used to suck in the old days, too. They just sucked without indoor plumbing.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I was raised to sense what someone wanted me to be and be that kind of person. It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

Henry's Pager Law: Critical partitions never fill up during working hours.

You don't have a problem if you have a problem. You only have a problem if you have a problem and you don't know how to fix it. If you know how to fix it, it's not really a problem; it's just a delay.

True fact: The first coin officially contracted for minting by the US Government was designed by Benjamin Franklin, and bore the words "MIND YOUR BUSINESS" on the front. (However, the contractor cheated the government, and fled the country to avoid prosecution.)

Einstein's Relativity put an end to the comfortable notion that science was common sense organized. The net result was that modern physics deprived human beings of any object of cosmic contemplation. One could still gaze at the Milky Way, but whatever notion crossed the mind at the sight was obsolete, any emotion a primitive fantasy; the impression grows that science is the task of peeling an infinite onion. In that process, science as it moves leaves behind it a shadow: superstition. ... As things stand, despite the conscientious work of many trained minds, the reports of "science" on a wide range of subjects are contradictory, equally publicized, and the laity cannot decide what to believe; an intelligent opinion cannot be formed. And when there is evidence that business and politics affect more than one "scientific" pronouncement, gone is the confidence in science found in the 19C.

During the 1998 refit of the U.S.S. Constitution, a number of interesting artifacts were found; one was a provisioning record. When the ship left Boston on July 22, 1798 with a crew of 475 officers and men, she carried 45,600 gallons of fresh water (enough for six months), 7,400 cannon balls, 22,600 pounds of black powder and 79,406 gallons of rum. Her mission was to harass English shipping. Making Jamaica on October 6, she took on 828 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed to the Azores, where she arrived on November 12. She took on 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. She then set sail for England on November 18. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled twelve merchantmen, but not before salvaging the rum. On January 27, 1799, powder and shot exhausted, Old Ironsides, undaunted, slipped up the Firth of Clyde, put ashore that night a landing party, and captured a whiskey distillery, hauling away 40,000 gallons of what we now call Scotch. Then she raised sail and headed for home. She arrived in Boston on February 20,1799 with no cannon balls, no powder, no food, no rum, no wine, no whiskey and 45,600 gallons of stagnant water. Length of cruise: 181 days. Alcohol consumption: 252,000+ gallons, or 2.93 gallons per man per day (this does not include the unknown quantify of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November). Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this cruise was over 92%.

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.

I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge.

I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations.

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.

History probably records only one instance in which cavalry won a naval battle. The French army that invaded Holland in the winter of 1794 captured a Dutch fleet when its mounted soldiers swept across the ice and seized control of the ships, frozen in place just offshore.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

First they came for the paranoids, but it's not really paranoia if they actually are out to get you. Then they came for the schizophrenics. Part of me wanted to speak up and part of me didn't. Then they came for the depressives, but I was too tired to care. Then they came for me. They came from another planet and they were in little ships. They imbedded a microchip in my brain that controls what I say so now there's nobody left to speak up.

I suppose anything is possible; it is just that some things are more possible than others.

The American people have now spoken, but it's going to take a little while to figure out exactly what they said.

A Pole remarking about the present state of the US election: If this election were in Poland, and if the guy who declared himself the winner were the son of a former Premier who also had been the head of the secret service, and if he had barely won because of voting fraud in a Province controlled by his brother, then the US would have sent troops in last week.

Pitr: Ahhh, finally to be goink to temple of yumski! Tonight, comrades, we are eatink sushi.
Dust Puppy: What's sushi?
Pitr: It is religious. Like cathedral. Caffeine for mind. Pizza for body. Sushi... for soul.

"Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. ... One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity."

I love you long time, make you holler, but I got no DASD for you!

If you pay your employees well, if they love what they are doing, then they’ll work so much harder that you will make more money, not less.

I find it interesting that Eros spelled backwards is sore.

Gosh, isn't having internet access at work a great idea? Who'd ever have thought bosses all over the country would fall for that one? Offices where radios are forbidden and employees would be considered insane if they asked to watch TV at their desks are going online in droves. It's really quite amazing.

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay home.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

You reach a certain age and your body doesn't react like it used to. Fat just jumps on your body. When you're in your twenties, you can eat a whole bag of Oreo cookies. Nothing happens. I'm now in my late thirties. I eat just one and my butt expands while I'm chewing.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

A woman's head is always influenced by her heart; but a man's heart by his head.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.

"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!"

The most expensive bottle of wine was a 1787 Chateau Lafite claret that sold for $136,248.00. The most spent on a glass of wine was $1453.00 for the first glass of Beaujolais Nouveau 1993.

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.

I think...I think it's in my basement. Let me go upstairs and check.

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.

"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands."

Science is built with facts as a house is with stones--but a collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house.

Being a grownup means you can go into a restaurant any time you want and order french fries. And you don't.

Great minds discuss idea, Average minds discuss events, Small minds discuss people.

Great minds have purposes, little minds have wishes.

The Gross National Product does not allow for the health of our children, the quality of their education, or the joy of their play. It does not include the beauty of our poetry or the strength or our marriages; the intelligence of our public debate or the integrity of our public officials. It measures neither our wit nor our courage; neither our wisdom nor our learning; neither our compassion nor our devotion to our country; it measures everything, in short, except that which makes life worthwhile.

A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep.

I'd rather be rejected for what I am than loved for what I'm not.

An unsupervised teenager with a modem is as dangerous as an unsupervised teenager with a gun.

Don't you know that if people could bottle the air they would? Don't you know there would be an American Air-bottling Association? And don't you know that they would allow thousands and millions to die for want of breath if they could not pay for air?

I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an interpreter.

Life is short. Do what you want to.

...before TV, the only entry kids had into the adult world was through reading, and by the time they were able to read adult literature, they were largely ready to deal with it. Now we have elementary students regularly exposed to all the world's problems and faults through the "magic box" every day.

When did the oldies stations stop playing Bing Crosby and start playing David Crosby?

So great has been the endurance, so incredible the achievement, that, as long as the sun keeps a set course in heaven, it would be foolish to despair of the human race.

I just got junk mail from this organization that wants me to save the forest. I sent them back a letter saying stop sending me the junk mail and save the forest yourself.

Last night Rusty pointed out a waitress who was taking orders at the next table. He said that four years ago she was married, had a fourteen-year-old daughter, and was the school system's consultant on dyslexia. It was summer. She and her husband were having a drink in a bar in Aransas Pass. Her husband went to the rest room and while he was gone a man at the other end of the bar said, "Hi. Would you like to come with me to Mexico?" On the spot she walked out. She lived with the man for three years in Guatemala. Even more unexpected than the story was the reaction at our table. We were all staring at the woman as if she were a heroine. A time comes when you need to clean house. No, you need to go even further, you need to burn the house down with yourself inside it. Then you must walk from the fire and say, I have no name.

"Hall is a country banker and as honest as the present conditions permit."

Life is just a series of trying to make up your mind.

Fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.

I have never known a man to make running noises...they move faster than the speed of light, or else remove their shoes and tiptoe away on little sock feet.

You don't manage people. You manage things; you lead people.

Whenever people say 'We mustn't be sentimental,' you can take it they are about to do something cruel. And if they add 'We must be realistic,' they mean they are going to make money out of it.

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears.

Books are the bees which carry the quickening pollen from one to another mind.

But somehow the social conservative case that the country is a moral abyss -- that we're all sunk in sin, the sorriest set of humans since Sodom and Gomorrah, rotten to the core, unrivalled in hedonism since the palmiest days of the late Roman Empire, and so on and so forth -- seems just a bit . . . how to say this? . . . well, wrong. I don't know about your friends and neighbors, but mine are exceptionally nice.

Seven blunders of the world that lead to violence: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice, politics without principle.

SCCS: the source motel! Programs check in, and they never check out!

... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.

Peering into the liberal mind is like looking into a writhing snake-pit, except that snakes are generally cleaner.

Here is the real difference between a liberal and a conservative: A conservative is a person who, seeing a man drowning 50 feet off shore, throws him a 25 foot rope, and encourages him to swim the remaining distance for the good of his soul. A liberal is a person who sees a man drowning 25 feet off shore. He throws the man a 50 foot rope, snakes it perfectly over the victim's shoulder... and then drops his end, and walks off to do another good deed.

Those who will not reason are bigots, those who cannot are fools, those who dare not are slaves.

The Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter if they come at you rapidly.

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Most people are mirrors, reflecting the moods and emotions of the times; few are windows, bringing light to bear on the dark corners where troubles fester. The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows.

Television is democracy at its ugliest.

There are two kinds of companies: Good ones ask you to think for them. The others tell you to think like them. Once you see that, it's easy to tell whether you're in the right place.

Based on records prior to the summer [1999] break, 29 members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have been arrested for assault 71 have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 are current defendants in lawsuits, and in 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

You want moral leadership? Try the clergy. It's their job.

In the final analysis there is no solution to man's progress but the day's honest work, the day's honest decisions, the day's generous utterances and the day's good deed.

"You've got questions? We've got answers." -A Radio Shack ad "Yeah, and most of them are 'Call tech support.'!"

Bureaucracy destroys initiative. There is little that bureaucrats hate more than innovation, especially innovation that produces better results than the old routines. Improvements always makes those at the top of the heap look inept. Who enjoys appearing inept?

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Do not meddle with the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

I never would believe that Providence had sent a few men into the world, ready booted and spurred to ride, and millions ready saddled and bridled to be ridden.

I love the way vendors talk. No matter what happens, it's always good news. If their mother died, the press release would talk about her expanding her presence in heaven and taking on new challenges in the other world.

Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the black.

If Men TRULY Ran The World... 24. At the end of the work day a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

I've about decided that's the main thing that separates happy people from the other people: the feeling that you're a practical item, with a use, like a sweater or a socket wrench.

Baloney is the unvarnished lie laid on so thick you hate it; blarney is flattery laid on so thin you love it.

Vague and insignificant forms of speech, and abuse of language have so long passed for mysteries of science; and hard and misapplied words, with little or no meaning, have, by prescription, such a right to be mistaken for deep learning and height of speculation, that it will not be easy to persuade either those who speak or those who hear them, that they are but the covers of ignorance, and hindrance of true knowledge.

"Most documentation starts as hastily scrawled notes from sleep-deprived developers who weren't necessarily hired for their keen communication skills. Those notes are then fleshed out by recently graduated English majors who have spent their last four years immersed in works of fiction. The results are then passed on to the marketing department whose job it is to make sure that no word or phrase will reflect unfavorably on the product ("I don't think that the word 'Basic' properly communicates the exciting nature of the product. Why don't we call it 'Visual Zesty?!'"). It is then beset by lawyers who finish the job by making sure that they haven't explicitly promised that the product will actually do anything. By the time the documentation gets into your hands, it has been so sanitized for your protection and generalized beyond recognition that you usually have to go out and buy a 3rd-party manual (that was, more likely than not, written by the same non-technical technical writer who wrote the original documentation) in a vain attempt to get an unbiased, unexpurgated, and unfiltered view of just how you're really supposed to use the stuff."

"Worldwide delivery in 30 minutes or less or your next one is free!"

"With faith in God, we kill!"

"They'd cage a rainbow if they could trap one!" -My 13-year-old son, looking at a pair of bald eagles encaged at a zoo "But think of how many more visitors we'd get if we could display a rainbow!"

"I don't care what she does or where she goes, as long as she comes home and sits on my face."

Last night my girlfriend was rhapsodizing about her new apartment. "It's so close to everything!" she gushed. "It's even in walking distance to a gas station!" We were both silent for a few seconds, and then she quietly said: "That doesn't make sense, does it?"

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to the end, requires some of the same courage which a soldier needs.

We have worked at full speed since May. And that is I'm persuaded the root and source and origin of all health and happiness, provided of course that one rides work as a man rides a great horse, in a spirited and independent way; not a drudge, but a man with spurs to his heels.

A + B + C = Success if A = Hard Work, B = Hard Play, C = Keeping your mouth shut.

You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what's that? Come up with a smiling face. It's nothing against you to fall down flat, But to lie there, that's disgrace.

It is impossible to live pleasurably without living prudently, honorably, and justly; or to live prudently, honorably, and justly, without living pleasurably.

"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge."

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.

As I sat in the supermarket office and waited for the cops to arrive, a thought came to me. Maybe when they say "No purchase necessary," it's like some kind of code or something, and you're not supposed to dump cereal all over the aisle to get the prize. Maybe if they hadn't taken away my little "Crunch-Berry Decoder," I could have figured it out.

"We have produced, consumed, and disposed of more things in the last fifty years than in all the rest of history combined."

Overheard: "People keep saying they have a problem with me. Why is that? I've never had a problem with me."

The most powerful force in the world is that of a frisbe straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck").

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

Well, I see by the scowl on the rat's face that it is time for me to get out of here before the iron gates are lowered and I am left crying for a cask of amontillado.

Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...

Starting next week, all passwords will be entered in International Morse Code.

1. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. 2. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. 3. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? 4. Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

..."the 30 percent who earn poverty or near-poverty wages, have been getting the rawest deal. 'It is a stupid society that runs an experiment to see what its breaking points are.'"

Morality is not properly the doctrine of how we make ourselves happy, but how we make ourselves worthy of happiness.

A man has made at least a start on discovering the meaning of human life when he plants shade trees under which he knows full well he will never sit.

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect.

Annex Canada now! We need the room, and who's going to stop us?

Nuclear war would really set back cable.

I'll tell you what kind of guy I was. If you ordered a boxcar full of sons-of-bitches and opened the door and only found me inside, you could consider the order filled.

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.

Good literature is about Love and War. Trash fiction is about Sex and Violence.

God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together....

Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.

To be is to do. - I. Kant To do is to be. - A. Sartre Do bi do bi do. - F. Sinatra Yabba-Dabba-Doo!

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

I REALLY like Bugs Bunny. I think I just found out why. A local weekly had an article on the wascally wabbit's 50th birthday party this year, and they had the following quote about the animation studio where Bugs Bunny cartoons were created... "It's not every workplace that allows you to have an autographed picture of Christ on the wall."

As the eagle was killed by the arrow winged with his own feather, so the hand of the world is wounded by its own skill.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

"To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing."

The willow which bends to the tempest often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so, in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character.

"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization."

"When people have acupuncture, do wax dolls die?

Foreign aid: A system where the poor people of a rich country give money to the rich people of a poor country.

What can be the reason for so much disagreement? The only reason is that the essential truth is so divided and torn into so many pieces that it is often lost in the strife. One party has truth; another also has some truth, but each thinks it has the whole truth and, therefore, tries to reject that of the other, imagining it is error.

Rule #10: Do not lean the bike over on its sidestand when the sidestand is not down.

The San Jose Mercury News reported in March on some working models of the Defense Department's "micro air vehicles" including one helicopter that can fit inside a peanut shell. Each micro air vehicle carries cameras, sensors, transmitters and antennas.

Everything I say is my own opinion and does not even attempt to represent the policies, positions, or views of my employer... or anybody else. Also, please be advised that I suffer from transitive neural connectivity failure, due to an intermittently diminished level of C8H10N4O2 in my hemodynamic conveyance system. I change my mind quickly and frequently, and sometimes I say things just for the hell of it.

"A Snark He Fry"

Koan: Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Not one of us ever grows up to be what he intended to be. Not one of us fulfills his own expectations. We are all our own children, in that sense. At some point, somewhere, we have to stop making demands.

"We must all turn our backs upon the horrors of the past. We must look to the future. We cannot afford to drag forward, across the years that are to come, the hatreds and revenges which have sprung from the injuries of the past."

Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors? A: Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans.

Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? "Is it PC compatible?"

In the land of the dark the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

"Humans are kind, intelligent, well-adjusted creatures. Until you get to know them."

"I have nothing against humans, really- except that they're not dogs, but they can't help that."

I am looking for information regarding your most powerful firewall and filter software. Do you have any suggestions? If possible in Japanese. Purchase honorable wirecutters. Implement between router and csu/dsu.

Unencrypted e-mail is like a postcard chiseled in stone.

One's concern with the ethics of means and ends varies inversely with the degree of one's personal interest in the issue. When we are not directly concerned, our morality overflows.

"We need your fax number in order to respect your wishes not to receive unsolicited faxes."

Those who cannot forgive others break the bridge over which they themselves must pass.

Said a hunted fox followed by twenty horsemen and a pack of twenty hounds, "Of course they will kill me. But how poor and how stupid they must be. Surely it would not be worth while for twenty foxes riding on twenty asses and accompanied by twenty wolves to chase and kill one man."

The future is a foreign country. They do things differently there.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God Who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Heard on public radio: "And now, we will listen to the story of someone who played with the forces of darkness and unleashed evil upon the world. No, I'm not talking about Bill Gates. We will now hear 'The Sorcerer's Apprentice' by Paul Dukas."

[Bill] Gates is trying to make sure that he has a proprietary position in controlling the tools that allow you and me to access information. And that's profitable by definition. How would you like to own the printing press?

-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK----- Version: 3.1 GCS/CC d+ s:-,+ a+ C+++ UA,LU+++$ P++ L++ E- W++ N o+ K- w O- M V- !PS PE Y++ PGP++ t- 5? X? R* !tv b++++ DI+++ D? G e++ h+ r--- y--* ------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------

"She would hold a grudge until it died of old age. Then she would have it stuffed and mounted."

My web page designers ascended to the next evolutionary level, and all I got was this lousy pudding recipe!

12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324 'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:' One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

A man's judgment cannot be better than the information on which he has based it.

Congress shall make no law restricting the size of integers that may be multiplied together, or the number of times that an integer may be multiplied by itself, or the modulus by which an integer may be reduced.

It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America.

Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.

"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer."

To read the front pages, you might conclude that Americans are mostly out for themselves, venal, grasping and mean-spirited. ... But you can't travel the back roads very long without discovering a multitude of gentle people doing good for others with no expectation of gain or recognition.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. The gods gave man love and he invented marriage.

It was the kind of store where you could buy your weight in a single jar of mayonnaise.

Auto-Docking WARNING: Objects in Mir are closer than they appear!

...when you get to monopoly status, you start to develop odd things because you have no competitors to guage yourself [sic]. Microsoft Word now [has] the ability to control how you underline misspelled words. You can have a jagged red line or a wavy magenta line. What are they going to do [next]- make it twirl and fade to black?

Yeh baby, that's the way to do it. Software for nothing and the source is free. I want my linux or my B S D...

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

"Project to connect New York to rest of world gains support."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: If I passed algebra but failed calculus, what does that say about me? In response, thus spake the Oracle: You do it discretely but not continuously.

After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

"We don't do pure research here. We do 80% research and 20% playing practical jokes on each other."

We take risks, not to escape life, but to prevent life from escaping us.

Salm-on-ing \`sam-on-ing\ (v): Coined 11/15/96 by Henry Farkas A network condition in which every packet travels through the wire(s) with a transmission or response time that indicates that it is working as hard as a salmon swimming upstream against a heavy current during spawning season. Successful packets shall be known as "hero packets". Dropped packets (the majority) shall be known as "dead fish", and the percentage of "dead fish" shall indicate how badly the network "stinks".

In Samoa, when elementary schools were first established, the natives developed an absolute craze for arithmetical calculations. They laid aside their weapons and were to be seen going about armed with slate and pencil, setting sums and problems to one another and to European visitors. The Honourable Frederick Walpole declares that his visit to the beautiful island was positively embittered by ceaseless multiplication and division.

WYDSIWGY - The first rule of computer security: What You Don't See Is What Gets You.

Slatkin's Theorem: By general agreement, nothing is better than eternal happiness. But clearly, a cheese sandwich is better than nothing. Therefore, a cheese sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

96.37% of all statistics are made up.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: What do you get if you cross a tsetse fly with a mountain climber? A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.

Crazy? Some people think walking down the street muttering to yourself is crazy. I'll tell you what crazy is. Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, saying: "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster". Now that's crazy.

I speak only for myself. I don't speak for my employer, or the other voices in my head.

Windows 95: n. - 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

"This coffee is fit for a king. Here, King!"

I searched through rebellion, drugs, diets, mysticism, religions, intellectualism and much more, only to begin to find...that truth is basically simple -and feels good, clean and right.

Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

When the president does it, that means it is not illegal.

And then he realized why he was thinking like this. It was because he wanted there to be conspirators. It was much better to imagine men in some smoky room somewhere, made mad and cynical by privilege and power, plotting over the brandy. You had to cling to this sort of image, because if you didn't then you might have to face the fact that bad things happened because ordinary people, the kind who brushed the dog and told their children bedtime stories, were capable of going out and doing horrible things to other ordinary people. It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than it's operating manual.

Good judgment comes from experience. Most worthwhile experiences come from bad judgment.

If you think that [the] Creator had no sense of fun, I can only ask you, why do men have nipples?

Now I can look at you in peace; I don't eat you any more.

To be alive, to be able to see, to walk,'s all a miracle. I have adapted the technique of living life from miracle to miracle.

During a recent panel on the numerous failures of American journalism, I proposed that almost all stories about government should begin: "Look out! They're about to smack you around again!"

"One unexpected result came from the seismic experiment recording the impact of Intrepid on the surface after we had jettisoned it. The entire Moon rang like a gong, vibrating and resonating for almost on hour after the impact."

But they are useless. They can only give you answers.

"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"

O senseless man, who cannot possibly make a worm and yet will make Gods by the dozen!

Statistics are like bikinis --they show a lot, but hide the important stuff."

All the world's a VAX, And all the coders merely butchers; They have their exits and their entrails; And one int in his time plays many widths, His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, And shining morning face, creeping like a slug Unwillingly to school.

"I remember some cold nights in Minnesota where you'd put some peanut butter on your penis and say hello to the dog."

Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial "we."

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

Do you want to know how unix works? Then, echo '16i[q]sa[ln0=aln100%Pln100/snlbx]sbA0D4D465452snlbx'|dc Can you read that? Then, echo '[q]sa[ln0=aln256%Pln256/snlbx]sb3135071790101768542287578439snlbxq'|dc -Ibid A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore.

"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it."

People who like this sort of thing will find this is the sort of thing they like.

"I take confidence in the belief that there is a solution, other than that I have nothing going for me."

Take the baby out to the other room and hit him with the fish!

The intelligent man who is proud of his intelligence is like the condemned man who is proud of his large cell.

Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, drive home safely... and don't take any s**t from anybody!

One winter evening, when the innovative engineer R. Buckminster Fuller was drinking tea by the fireplace of Prof. Hugh Kenner, three-year-old Lisa Kenner prolonged her bedtime farewell with the question: "Bucky, why is the fire hot?" Kenner writes: Some instinct told Lisa he was the man to ask. His answer, as he took her on his lap, began, like most of his answers, some distance away from the question. "You remember, darling, when the tree was growing in the sunlight?" On arms like upgroping branches, his hands became clusters of leaves as he described their collecting the sunlight, processing its energies into sugars, drawing them down into a stocky trunk. "Then the men cut it down. and and sawed it into logs. And what you see now"--he pointed to the crackling hearth--"is the sunlight, unwinding from the log."

Let's face it, a little humility is in order from all of us. I mean, aren't we slightly too ridiculous for anything else? Do any of us get where we are going because we know where to go?

On each race is laid the duty to keep alight its own lamp of mind as its part in the illumination of the world. To break the lamp of any people is to deprive it of its rightful place in the world festival.

They asked me to go in front of the Reagans. I'm not used to going in front of President Reagan, so we went out behind the Bushes.

Quotes from my mom during a recent visit: "I hate flying. The pilots are always drunk!" "There's nobody in Boca Raton to talk to!" "Cruise? I'm not taking no cruise! The ships always go down, then they lose your luggage!" Sue: We won't have a moon tonight. My mom: You don't know; we might. Sue: No, we had a full moon 2 weeks ago. Tonight is the new moon. My mom: Oh, I don't believe in that stuff!

"There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

"Being right too soon is socially unacceptable."

"Let's face the obvious. Yesterday we were nerds. Today we're the cognitive elite. Let's conquer."

I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

"Common sense is that layer of prejudices which we acquire before we are sixteen."

"And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress."

"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy."

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind- boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."

And the following quotes are from our good friend Ann Onymous: Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [ OK ] Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait I feel like a genocidal maniac when emacs asks me if I want to kill 10789 characters. I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife. "To know recursion, you must first know recursion" Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Don't have awk? Use this simple sh emulation: #!/bin/sh echo 'Awk bailing out!' exit 2 Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX. -Roberta Of course my password is the same as my pet's name. My macaw's name was Q47pY!3, but I change it every 90 days. BREAKFAST.EXE Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. {I actually got this error once! -henry} Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven... The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!

Technology gives us cancer, and then we want technology to cure us. Technology is a big dog with glittering eyes chasing it's tail in a long and complicated dream.

Some things I've learned: * Never underestimate the power of a single red sock in the laundry. * Never put stickers on suede. * If you must tape your windows because a hurricane, take the masking tape off immediately after the storm is over. * Wait 24 hours before you make what an objective observer might call a major purchase. No matter how much you want it. No matter how good the deal is. No matter what. * Nobody in the store is an objective observer. * Once in a lifetime deals aren't. * Change your vehicle's oil every 3,000 miles. No matter what. This way, no matter how busy you are, you'll still manage to change it every 5,000 miles. * No, you will not remember; write it down. * No, you will not remember; put it on the calendar now. * Keep a pad and pencil by the phone. Get their name. At the very beginning of the conversation. Every single time. Write down what they said, and the date. * Keep the records until the problem is solved. * Counting to 10 when you're angry really does work. If it doesn't work for you count to 20. * Make backups. And an emergancy startup disk. Make regular backups. Frequently.

Economics and politics are the governing powers of life today, and that's why everything is screwy.

Once I was told I should shoot for the stars, and look at me now: Mars is in my grasp! Is this a great country or what!!!!!

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When one person receives without working another must work without receiving.

....the First Amendment was designed to protect offensive speech, since governments never try to ban the other kind.

Beer -Wine -Guns -Ammo -Picnic Supplies

By one estimate, the average American spends 1,600 hours a year either driving or earning the money to support a car, and drives an average of 6,000 miles a year. That works out to about 4 miles traveled per hour spent --the equivalent of a normal walking pace.

Sometimes I jest sits here and types. Sometimes I jest sits here and laughs for no apparent reason. Scares the bejezus out of my cubemates.

"Why not?" "Yeah."

It's easy to play any musical instrument; all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play by itself.

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

They riseth in the early morning, They goeth forth full of hope, Mighty are their prospects. When the day is spent they returneth Smelling of strong drink- And the truth is not in them.

Some birthdays are special. They really get you.

In Dance We Trust

"I mean, after all; you have to consider we're only made out of dust. That's admittedly not much to go on and we shouldn't forget that. But even considering, I mean it's sort of a bad beginning, we're not doing too bad. So I personally have faith that even in this lousy situation we're faced with we can make it. You get me?"

"Tommy Sucks At Pinball" and I "Don't Care Who You Are"

Note that this is not a vulnerability with Java, per se. It is really a vulnerablility with DNS that Java does not check for.

"You go to heaven... God sneezes... What do you say ?"

A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.

Trying to have sex at my age is like trying to play pool with a rope.

Jeff correctly points out a major potential problem with [this policy]. At the risk of agreeing with him, I would like to comment.

Technician 1: They've changed the drop dead date again. Technician 2: It's starting to become a drop dead window.

Lawsuits follow money, and money has found the internet. Who can sue who, and for how much, is still being worked out.

Is time travel a thing of the past?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I am the warrior God of Atlantis!

The Cat's Diary Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape --that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

Never dance in wool socks.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers --and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats ---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Born OK the first time. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. I brake for... wait... AAAHi! NO BRAKES!!!!! If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Why do single Western men have the attention span of fruit flies? Back off --I'm a postal worker! Visualize whirlled peas. Visualize using your turn signals. Hang up and drive! Hung like Einstein. Brains of a horse. Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do. You left your stove on. I brake for red lights.

The once was a man from Nantucket Who stored all his cash in a bucket His wife--who was Nan Ran off with a man And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Her kisses left something to be desired --the rest of her.

How long have you been on earth? People can be incredibly terrible and do monstrous things for no other reason than boredom or passion, or just because they can. You will be waiting a long time before you find logic in the reasons that people use to justify their wanton destruction. It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

An Animated Cartoon Theology: 1. People are animals. 2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain. 3. Life is antagonistic to the living. 4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music. 5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning. 6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum. 7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.

CALVIN: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. HOBBES: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.

Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

"Time's fun when you're having flies."

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.

A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

He's beaten everyone on earth. Saint Peter, rack 'em up!

By the time you get to whereever whatever it was was, it's gone!

Christmas canceled. Joseph confessed.

Here at the frontier there are falling leaves. Although my neighbors are all barbarians, And you, you are a thousand miles away, There are always two cups on my table.

I speak only for myself and not the other voices in my head.

Speed does not kill. Stopping very quickly kills.

Here's a little puzzle for the hypocrites to solve: Jesus born from Woman, not a man at all involved!

When one person receives without working another must work without receiving.

I keep hearing tree talk water words and I keep knowing what they mean.

The universe is made of stories, not atoms.

Most of the things worth doing in the world have been declared impossible before they were done.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Housework: The work your house does not do when you are not home.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."

Man does. Woman is.

God is real... unless declared integer.

From a Fall issue of Kitchen and Bath Custom Planner "GE's white-on-white catalogue offers a complete line of all-white appliances. Send for a full-color brochure."

Not to worry, we'll just outlaw all unlicensed cryptography. After all, it works in France. You don't see weekly terrorist attacks over there any more,now do you ?

His ... argument style makes me want to step outside and hork in the bushes.

"According to Enderle, [Dataquest's senior industry analyst, client/server software], [Microsoft] spent only $US120 million on developing Windows 95, while it spent $300 million on marketing the product."

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.

Congress shall make no law restricting the size of integers that may be multiplied together, or the number of times that an integer may be multiplied by itself, or the modulus by which an integer may be reduced.

"I don't know if security explains why the Win95 support Web servers run BSDI 2.0--an Intel-based Unix--rather than Windows NT, which Microsoft insists is the ideal Web software solution. Does Redmond know something we don't know?"

And in The Discoverers, Daniel Boorstin recounts, "Since this inexplicable power of a magnatized needle to 'find' the north smacked of black magic, common seamen were wary of its powers. For many decades, the prudent sea captain consulted his compass secretly...After the compass had lost its occult flavor and become every sailor's everyday tool, it came out onto the open deck. Still, in Colombus's day, a pilot who used the magnetic compass might be accused of trafficking with Satan."

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

Nobody's going to listen to you if you just stand there and flap your arms like a fish.

He who hesitates to act on inside information is lost.

If insider trading rules are interpreted logically, then failure to make a planned trade on the basis of inside information is just as illegal as deciding to make some trade on the basis of inside information. The SEC should require all insiders to file a daily report, preferably before the market opens in New York, listing all of their planned transactions for that day, so that violations of the "insider non-trading laws" can be detected and prosecuted.

Shit happens. But an awful lot of shit can be avoided by simply not tailgating.

There is no polite way to eat spare ribs.

To ignore race and sex is racist and sexist! -Jesse Jackson Huh?

When she's sad, she doesn't even look pretty... she looks Italian!

I wish to find where spirituality, politics, community and chocolate come together.

....the First Ammendment was designed to protect offensive speech, since governments never try to ban the other kind.

Hey! I like this channel!

Prisoner, God has given you good abilities, instead of which you go about the country stealing ducks!

When I go I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming, like the people in his plane.

Common sense must be the most universal of all commodities, because every man is convinced that he is posessed with an abundance of it.

A luxury, once enjoyed, quickly becomes a necessity.

The difference between theory and practice is bigger in practice than theory.

Guilt is a very peculiar emotion. As long as you are guilty about something you are not compelled to change it. Guilt is like a warm bath or, to be rude, it is like masturbation-you can get used to it. But, in order to live without it, you must get past it. In order to get past it you must act. And, in order to act, you must be conscious. You must take great chances-and be responsible for the consequences.

I don't need to take this abuse from you. I've got hundreds of people willing to abuse me.

While lifting a ~170 lb. Sun disk drive: Henry: Let's just say I'm trying to be macho. Eric: No, I'd say it was a case of testosterone poisoning.

Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

"To know that we know what we know, and that we don't know what we don't know, that is true knowledge".

You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Law of Probable Dispersion: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Necrophilia means never having to say you're sorry.

He advised all seekers to examine what each system asked of the potential initiate, keeping in mind three rules: 1. What you are required to believe is what the system cannot prove. 2. Anything that you are asked to keep secret is of more value to the teacher than to the student. 3. Any practice that is forbidden offers something that the system cannot successfully replace with an alternative. One listener asked: "Don't you believe that giving up the pleasures of the senses will produce a different consciousness?" "My personal experience," Ben replied, "was that it produced the consciousness of fanaticism." .... The guru said: "You must get beyond pleasure." Jane answered: "If you think you can get beyond pleasure without going through it we are definitely on different trips," and left.

The only measure of your words and your deeds will be the love you leave behind you when you're done.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

She's kind. She's soft. Her name is Daisy. The more I deal with women the better I like my sheep.

Would you say that Richard Nixon had a "Checkered" past?

"Well, what do you think [laws] are for? We want them to be broken. There is no way to rule innocent men. The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws. ... just pass the kind of laws that can neither be observed nor enforced nor objectively interpreted-and you create a nation of law-breakers ... that's the game."

We find in the rules laid down by the greatest English judges, who have been the brightest of mankind, [that] we are to look upon it as more beneficial that many guilty persons should escape unpunished than one innocent person should suffer. The reason is because it is of more importance to [the] community that innocence should be protected than it is that guilt should be punished, for guilt and crimes are so frequent in the world that all of them cannot be punished, and many times they happen in such a manner that it is not of much consequence to the public whether they are punished or not. But when innocence itself is brought to the bar and condemned, especially to die, the subject will exclaim, "It is immaterial to me whether I behave well or ill, for virtue itself is no security." And if such a sentiment as this should take place in the mind of the subject there would be an end to all security whatsoever.

"It breaks my heart to see those stars smashing perfectly good guitars."

"I mean, no matter how you attempt to twist it, you can't prove that other people are not hiding who they are when you claim that your lack of ability to find out who I am means I am hiding something."

"From the point of view of a tapeworm, man was created by God to serve the appetite of the tapeworm."

"Question Authority and the Authorities will question You!"

I do three kinds of work: Good, Fast and Cheap. You may pick any TWO. I can do good work fast but it won't be cheap. I can do good work cheap but it won't be fast. I can do fast work cheap but it won't be good.

It don't make no sense that that common sense don't make no sense no more.

"The Pledge of Allegiance says '..with liberty and justice for all'. What part of 'all' don't you understand?"

The more you stare at a computer screen, the more you realize it only knows what you tell it. The more you stare at a television, the more you realize that you only know what it tells you.

"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance."

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of my life and wonder: "What's going on here?"

If, in the last few years, you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.

There once was a lady named Jude, Who went to the beach to bathe nude. Then a man came along, and unless I am wrong, You'd expect this last line to be rude.

I've learned not to think about my life after 11 pm.

Of all the people living in America today: 22 % Don't remember the American Bicentennial Celebration. 33 % Feel people have always been on the moon. 50 % Are too young to remember the assassination of JFK. 66 % Are not old enough to remember the Korean War. 70 % Don't remember "before TV". 85 % Are not old enough to remember the 1929 stock market crash.

"I've got spurs that jingle jangle jingle...."

semper ubi, sub ubi always wear underwear

tua mater caligas gerit. your mother wears combat boots.

To be or not to be, those are the parameters.

Is an egotist someone who is always me-deep in conversation?

What is a CDRom? 3 billion pits arranged in a 3 mile spiral!

Objects are just data structures with an attitude.

"Get a life?" Life is for people who can't handle computers!

When I sing, dogs hunker to their bellies and stick their front paws in their ears, screw their eyes closed tight, and whine piteously. Mothers snatch young children indoors, and hairy hardened Harley owners rev up their bikes and roar away, leaving unfinished drinks behind, shaking, and with tears of agony streaming down their wretched, wind-chiseled faces.

It seems that the Prince of Wales, later King Edward VII, had quite the crush on an actress named Lillie Langtry, and they seem to have generously opened their purses for each other. He even had a manor house (now a hotel) built for their private relaxation. Albert: I've spent enough on you to build a battleship! Lillie: And you've spent enough in me to float one.

I was visiting my folks in the Florida Keys and we were rounding the point in our boat, dad was driving, mom sitting next to him, our two kids in the nose watching for sting rays, and my wife was sitting on one side taking in the scenery. We were passing some larger boats moored just off the shore, when my eyes caught this beautiful young lady taking off a sweatshirt. She had nothing underneath. And you're right, they do dance. Oh Lord, they dance! We actually made eye contact as we innocently pulled away. I just smiled and gave her a little wave. She did the same. Ahh, simple pleasure. There is a God!